I’ve never had sex. I’ve managed to wait. If you know me, you may think I’ve never struggled
with sex. I’ve never had sex with a man, I’m very modest and shy as well. God’s blessed me
with holding onto my virginity for the right man, at least physically. My mind, however, is very
polluted, and it’s not something I’ve told a lot of people, until now.
During high school and early twenties, I didn’t think about sex much and didn’t have the desire
to, really. The rare times I did masturbated (or self-gratification as I will call it), I didn’t know
the name for it or that is was using God’s temple for my self-gain. That all changed when I
started to read porn.
In my late teens, I started to read fan-fiction. These are stories that fans write, using characters
from popular books, TV shows, or other media. They can range from where the last show or
book ended to people creating new stories using old characters. In my early twenties, I
stumbled across sexually explicit stories. I was curious, not having talked about sex in detail
with anyone, so I wanted to learn more. I learned a lot of detail of sex between men and
women. From then on, I was hooked.
With the reading came more lustful thoughts about men I found attractive, and many of the
stories I read led to self-gratification on a regular basis. Much of the self-gratification came
with thoughts of men within the church, the stories I read, or the stories I’d imagine in my
As time went on the stories became more graphic, as I wanted to know more about sex. I soon
started reading homosexual and orgy stories, feeding my desire for lust.
Eventually, I found this wasn’t enough to quench my thirst. I wanted to see what men really
liked naked, I wanted to see what sex looked like to without actually having it. I held onto my
grip on staying pure (again physically) until I was married. This desire led me to looking up
pictures, and that curiosity led to watching porn to.
I watched something that I never thought I’d want to see or even like. I was hooked. I liked the
fact that I now had a sex drive too. I couldn’t wait to get married and use this new found desire
with my husband. I would lust after him too without thinking of putting him first.
Near the end of me watching porn, regular self-gratification wasn’t enough, so I bought
vibrators to ‘help’. I even bought lube and vibrators on-line so no one would know.
This watching and reading of porn all went on while I was in my early to mid-twenties. I
watched porn, lusted, and self-gratified, and no one knew about it. It was my secret sin. I felt
so much shame over it. I’d wake up, self-gratify, go to church, and go home to watch or read
porn. I did it all the while I was saying I was a Christian, but I wasn’t living it.
I felt so alone in my sin too. I’d hear things at church like, ‘Men if you struggle with porn …’ This
led me to think I was only woman who watched porn. I was dirty and marked and felt very
much alone. This was until I heard of an accountability group for women that someone started.
I was so excited to hear this because I knew what I was doing was wrong, I was sinning against
God. I wanted freedom from this secret I had.
When I went for the first time and told the other women, I was scared. They’d know of the
awful, shameful things I did. I found something different than shame. I found I wasn’t the only
woman who watched porn or self-gratified. Better yet, I found Jesus loved me the way I was-a
lustful person who was so dirty inside-he loved her. Soon after joining the group, I was able to
stop watching and reading porn. I got rid of the vibrators and lube, but the scars of my life
watching porn still remain.
I still lust after men in the church. I still self-gratify. But I also have Jesus running after me.
He’s going after my heart, even though I’m filled with lust, even though I think I should act out
of my sexual desires because it’s so freeing, but Jesus is better.
I am a women who deals with lust and porn, but I have a Jesus who loves me. If you’re a
struggling woman, know that you aren’t alone and Jesus wants you. He wants all of us as
women. He wants our hearts and minds and our sex lives. I’m so glad that I found him. Who
knows where I would’ve gone if I hadn’t. He’s brought me out of my bondage, and hasn’t given
up on cleaning out my mind and heart of what remands. I owe all to him.
For women in Tucson that need a group of like minded ladies that struggle with lust and desire to seek Christ together for help, please visit us!
Women’s accountability group
- Romance Novels
There is no shame, all ages, married and singles
You aren’t alone in your struggle!
2nd and 4th Thursdays, 6:30, at Calvary Christian Fellowship of Tucson, AZ 3875 N. Business Center Dr. 85705