The Ethic of Imitation & Future Benefit

In thinking about what makes a right or wrong ethic, principle or lifestyle, I had this thought.  What if determining good or bad conduct is looked at through the lens of imitation and exportation?  I’ve been kicking this around.  I remember a passage of scripture that says, “Imitate me as I imitate Christ.”  Or another passage that came to mind was in Jesus own words, “a servant is not greater than his master, imitate me!”  That’s a paraphrase of course.  But anyone who has read the passage in John 13 understands the point.  Imitating someone could be a way to see if a conduct is correct or not, couldn’t it?  Especially if it is exported onto others!

Now let’s take your own life.  What if everyone on the planet imitated your life?  What would the ramifications be?  Contemplate it.  What if it really were to happen?   It’s an interesting idea for sure.  Take everyone on the planet doing what you do.  Your morality is now there morality.  Your actions are there’s too!  They way you eat, work, play & even have sex!  Now the question I ask myself is, “If everyone lived the way I lived, how would the world look?”

There is another complicated idea that I have in this regard.  Is this a good way for us to weigh our own ethics?  I mean this.  Would this be a great way for us to find out if we are living a narcissistic life or not?  Narcissism is one of those things that we do not even know we are living in it.  Our selfishness does not let us know we are selfish.  But in answering some personal questions and having some thought maybe we could get to the answer of our own condition.

Many of us think of the future. There are some that have dedicated their entire lives to thinking of the future generations.  This is all done, so that we can have a future existence that is better.  There is a physical benefit to using the ethic of helping today.   Another way to say it is this;  We can use our future generations benefit as a way for us to measure if what we are doing today is right or wrong.

Now I want to bring this idea into our sexuality.  This will be sensitive no doubt as most things self reflective are.  But don’t let that scare us.  All that can happen to us in doing this is understand ourselves a bit more.   Though I understand that might not be your goal.

So let me run some quick scenarios:

If I were polygamous, I could ask, “What if everyone were polygamous?”  What would the world look like if that were the case?  Eveone male had more than one wife.  Could the earth support such a thing?  What would the population of the earth be after 100 years?  200 years?  What kind of natural resources would be needed for such a population?  What would the lives of women & children be like?

What if If everyone in the world were in a monogamous homosexual relationship?  What would the world look like in 100 years?  200 years?  Would the the planet benefit from such a thing?  What would human life look like in the future?

What if everyone were in monogamous heterosexual relationships?

What if everyone cheated on there spouse like me?

What if everyone had sex the way I do?

What if everyone loved the way I loved?

What if people treated women like I do?

What if people treated men like you do?

What if everyone used porn, prostitute or sex-bot instead of being with a beloved like me?

What if your sex, sexuality and sensuality were practiced by every other human in the same exact way?  What would our world be like?

It is the ethic of future benefit.  What if my ethical life could be measured and judged, right or wrong, on the answer to these questions.  And in turn would I change my life accordingly?  This is quite the challenge as I have mentioned.  I think the reason is because when we take our personal lives, especially our sexual ownership, and put it on the rest of the world, it is more easy to see a potential danger.  This could in turn move us to conviction that maybe what we are doing is quite narcissistic.  And this is no fun, especially because we are narcissistic!  If there is one thing our self desires does not desire, it is to think we are wrong in those desires.  And in order to self protect we could do many things to avoid such a attempt to rid ourselves of our desires.  Selfishness loves one thing…Selfishness.  I am simply suggesting a way for us to look and see if we are being such a person.

This is a theory of mine.  It might be something others have wrote about or lectured on before, and certainly there is nothing new under the sun.  But in my mind, it makes somewhat sense.  Do I live my life in a way that if all others did exactly what I did, with the same motives, attitudes and actions; how would the world be?

This just might be what Jesus is doing in us who are called his children.  He is making us like him the Bible tells us.  What if the world were just like Jesus as he is now?  Maybe this is the measure of Jesus love for the world?  He is making the world like Him!  In loving the world, he first lives a life to be imitated, then does the work of transforming us into that image.  Transformation.  This is the message of the Bible.

But we all, with open face beholding as in a glass the glory of the Lord, are changed into the same image from glory to glory, even as by the Spirit of the Lord.  2nd Corinthians 3:18

Could we say that the measure of one’s love for others is in the investment in ones future benefit?  You save your money for your kids education, right?  It is a measure of your love for them.  Now take the ethic and move it into your personal life!  Would you sacrifice your personal life for the sake of the future generations?  Could you change your personal life so as to invest in the future of the world?   This is the ethic of future benefit and the ethic of imitation.

Kill the meat!

I have a great friend…like a Jonathan in my life who happens to be a life long bodybuilder.  He’s good at what he does to say the least.  I don’t think he has eaten a cookie in 25 years or longer!  His loss?  Not if you ask him.  He is dedicated to seeking the Lord for what his body should have in it.  What a privilege to have learned so much from him over the years.  But I still enjoy cookies!  haha

In working out with him he would say, “kill the meat,” then your done!  What that meant was far more than just testosterone driven terms that seem good in his gym (to which we named, Bethel).  To kill the meat meant to work out with purpose in every rep.  To think through what you are doing.  Your form, your body & the oxygenation to the muscle.  It too meant to do this until your muscle is done, finished, no longer able to go!  You could always do more, but the potential for harm would go up considerably because you have already, “killed the meat!”  There is a time where you have done just enough.  No more is needed.

When we think of getting rid of things that hinder our walks with Christ, I can think of it as killing the meat.  What I mean here is that amputation of your phone, tv, etc…can get tiresome over time.  You do well, and then you fall to something else.  The pattern goes on and on.  But what amputation of these items does is make it quite tiresome to find the password or by-pass the road blocks that have been set.  Do you get my meaning.  Over the time of my life, I have amputated time and time again.  And over time I have fought and fought to once again get through the blocks to watch more of what I wanted.  Many just give up the fight all together.  But don’t do that!  Keep on with the seesaw gyration of amputating and then not amputating if we must!  Over time what we hope will happen is we will become a worn out rebel!  Too tired to break back into the enemies castle.  What was once an exciting venture in our youth (not so much age) our knees cannot take anymore.  Our hands hurt.  The back is damaged.  It is just too tuff muster the energy and fight to rebel anymore.  We have now surrendered.  Yet in doing so, we found the peace we sought at the beginning of it all!

This is where the Lord will take us in our rebellion from his ways when we enter into sexual sin.  He is patient and longsuffering.  Much more than you or I.  He will wait it out!  Until then.  Keep amputating until you are too pooped to fight against the blocks that have been put in place.  May then the white flag be raised!

And if your hand–even your stronger hand–causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.  Matthew 5:30

So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up.  Galatians 6:9

What’s In a Webpage Statement?

What does it mean to Advocate for Faith Hope and Love in Sex, Sexuality & Sensuality as our webpage states?

It is a question that I have wanted to answer for a time now, but now just getting around to it.  As the founder of RLM I have given it thought how the three; faith, hope and love, should support our decisions regarding sex, sexuality and sensuality.  But first let me discuss the later three just for a moment.

I believe that sex, sexuality and sensuality are all different yet very relatable to one another.  We do think that the three working together, in consort with one another, is much better than when one is singled out at the expense of the others.  We could have sex without sensuality, yet Im not sure that would be a very fun & healthy experience. It might look more like a prostitute kind of relationship.  You might not care much about their sensuality, or even there sexuality for that matter. The buyer simply wants to get off.  He is not interested in the catch or the life of the ‘other.’ But when the three are in unity with faith, hope & love we believe we have the best potential of lasting joy in the sexual experience.  This is our opinion.

But how would we know if sex, sexuality and sensuality were being expressed in right ways?  What a good question! Which brings us to finding a standard to measure these three against.  What we have found is when Biblical faith, hope and love become that standard which the other three are influenced by, then we get further to the intent of God for sex, sexuality and sensuality, and closer to glorifying God in them, which is our passion.  To be perfect in sex, sexuality and sensuality would be awesome to us. Yet we feel that we have not done so well. Though we understand we are not alone. Just because we know that we will never be able to hit a home run ever time we are up to bat does not mean we do not learn and practice to get closer to such a high goal!  Faith, Hope and Love become our teachers in such an education.

Let me try and begin by defining these words:

  • When we refer to sex, we are referring to sexual activity.
  • As human beings we have the capacity of sexual feeling and preferences.  This is what we are calling sexualtiy.
  • Sensuality can be defined as the enjoyment, expression, or pursuit of physical, especially sexual, pleasure

These are well enough definitions I think.  Sure we could dink around with them a bit here and there, but for my purposes, they work, and all of us believe there included in the Biblical narrative as seen in the lives of men & women.

The Bible was written over 1500 years by many authors, yet it is said in the New Testament book of Peter, that it actually was the Holy Spirit that moved upon the writers.  I find this kind of cool due to the inclusion of these three in it’s pages. Having these three included in the Bible reiterates what I already understand in life. That is these three are a part of the human condition of being.  As humans we have sex. As humans we have feelings and desires regarding sex. And as humans we can pursue the joy of sexual pleasure in our lives. Wouldn’t it be odd if you had a Holy book that did not include such normal observed behavior in the world?  Ours does!

When I was younger, I did not look at the three in light of such words as Faith, Hope and Love.  These three never actually related much to the other three. Where would I have learned about faith in sex?  What is faith in sex? What is faith? Or how does Biblical hope in Christ’s return to earth affect my sexual feelings and preferences?  I never thought that a BIblical definition of love could govern my pursuit of sexual pleasure. In short, I was completely secular. And this is what our statement is striving against at it’s basic level.

The inclusion of Faith, Hope & Love in Sex, Sexuality & Sensuality is our aim here.  And this leads us to search our sacred texts for answers regarding such things. Having a safe place to do so within the Church culture is what we are offering.  

We also recognize that within the Church environment there has been a plethora of strong opinions regarding sex, sexuality and sensuality.  Some of these views have lead to heinous acts in the name of God. We do not recognize these acts as being in faith, hope and love. Within our current culture we find having a place to discuss, study & pray about the topics of sex, sexuality and sensuality, in a familiar Bible study format can be very intellectually satisfying.  This is why we use the term advocating. It means to publicly support. And our hope is to support those that desire to pursue that standard which is ultimately God. Quite an endeavor for sure!



You Better Discuss Sex & Porn

By now, hopefully you know that the internet has much of everything.  You want to learn more about cooking, just get on google and type ‘cooking,’ and you’ll have a million or so pages to sift through of every kind of cooking imaginable.

So you certainly understand that sex too is a topic looked for as well.  Your not ignorant of that right?  And since sex is pretty much a vital part of our life it shouldn’t surprise you that many people young and old search for something related to sex every day online.
It also shouldn’t surprise you that being excited about watching sexual things on the computer is common.  People are sexually aroused by many things.  Sounds, touch, tastes, and seeing.  This is all very common knowledge.
Another common thing you should know is that arousal knows both genders!  Yep, girls and guys both are aroused!  Some are aroused more than another, and others by various means.  You get that I’m sure too.
So because you understand these common truths, start talking about it with your spouse or loved one.  This is a topic that you should not be running from.  Not in our world!
Why would you not talk about such a topic which is so common?
Do you think you can talk about sex and online porn with your ‘other?’  I sure hope so.
Maybe you will disagree on things, maybe not.  Maybe you will be able to work through some mis-understandings or past experiences that you have had before which have bothered you.  Maybe you’ll develop more compassion on one another or grow in your understanding of each others fears, insecurities and desires.  Maybe there will be opportunity for mercy, grace and forgiveness in your relationship.  What if you both grow in your knowledge of what the Bible teaches about this most interesting subject!  Maybe you would be able to chat with your kids about the subject before there school friends do! What if!  What if!!!
Avoiding a subject is education from absence.  And with it the ramifications which are deep and many, in a culture, family, marriage, and a person.
Change things.  Try not to avoid, instead engage.  Look for opportunities to bring up topics like this.  And ask non threatening questions.  It will get conversation going.  Are you scared you will hear something you do not want to?  Good, you are finally getting to the reason why you have avoided this.  It has nothing to do with sex or porn.  It’s fear.


It is more blessed to give than to receive.  Acts 20:35
What a great passage and one that changed my sexual paradigm!  I never really thought of this passage dealing with the marriage bed.  Have you?
How is it more blessed to give?
The act of giving is such that its effects reach into the future, meaning it’s effects carry on.  The grace of giving has future implications.
It’s easy to see how sex (semen) can give to a wife a child, which is no small deal!  It’s how we all came to be.  This benefit continues to have it’s effects throughout our entire lives.  Our children impact our lives, and there kids etc…It’s very deep to think about this, and hope you spend a bit of time doing such a thing.  There is an amazing impact pro-creation  has on us.  But it starts with a initial giver, and receiver.
Giving is a reflection of God.  “God so loved the world that He gave.”  This means that there is a fruit with the giving which continues, and in turn produces more fruit.  In this way it is greater.  Living to receive alone, is a dead end.  Giving carries with it a impactful grace for continued future grace!  Gifts are like that.  They impact us not only in the present, but there effects stay with us.
Two ideas I would like to think through when it comes to this kind of giving are;   A. The giving of semen for the production of offspring, and B. the giving of pleasure for the bonding of the union.
Both are seen as a blessing in the Bible.  Hannah who desperately desired to have a child in 1st Samuel pleaded with God for a child.  She needed her tubes and his pipes to be productive.  One to receive and the other to give for her desires to come to fruition.  There is a uniqueness to the act of procreating.  The Song of Solomon concerns itself with the pleasure between a man and a woman.  There is no mention of children, and nor does there have to be.  There is plenty of giving one to another, and the bonding it produces is evident in our own lives.  Affectionate intimacy is important because it bears it’s own positive fruit in our lives.
Giving semen for a child and giving pleasure are beneficial and with incredible future implication.  In this way, it is more blessed to give than to receive.   And in these ways it  reflects the glorify of God.  God puts his seed in us to bear fruit, and our bonding with God is to be a bond of pleasure.  Think through these truths for a bit and I think you will see there is much Biblical merit in them.  Here is another quick blog on the idea of seed in the Bible and it’s link to God’s relationship with us.
There also other amazing implication to our Acts 20 passage; “it is more blessed to give than to receive.”
What if you brought this passage into your bed?  Here are some 3 ideas I come up with:
Sex would not be so narcissistic.
Growing up in the 80’s hair metal era in Southern California, I thought sex was about receiving alone.  It never dawned on me that there was a benefit in the giving of pleasure and the positive implications of procreating.  My mind was desperately cloudy and limited in its scope at the time. Porn only solidified my thoughts that receiving was where the benefit was.  Though porn did not create that idea.  It was already in me.
Arousal could be by giving.
This is not a new or entirely Christian concept.  Many of us have had the experience of being aroused by the giving of pleasure to another.  Sometimes just the thought of pleasing your beloved can keep a person awake!  Does your arousal come from only receiving?  And when giving, try to not give with the idea to get something back from your beloved.  Try thinking that your can be satisfied in the act of giving.  Think through this a bit.  For some, this is scary, as motivation for most giving in sex caries the idea of a return of like manner.
I would value procreating and pleasure.
God is about the business of both of these..  What does sex look like if it is unbalanced?  It can become simply about a selfish pleasing of ourselves or a un passionate duty of family planning.  Have you given it any thought how these two ideas glorify God in your sex life?  The implications of both on our future are cosmic!

Let The Souls Go Free!

This phrase is taken from the Bible.  Ezekiel 13:20.  It concerns God’s judgement on the daughters of Israel that were into divination.  Divination is seeking the knowledge of the future through the supernatural.   Like going to a gypsy who has a crystal ball to tell you your future.   They made money by it, and in turn captivated their audiences.  Men & women.

I find that pornography is something that is quite captivating as well just as these lady diviners were.  For all; men, women, young and old.  And though there is no clear spiritual exchange taking place in pornography, there can be such a pull to view pornography that it verifiably can seem like a magic spell of sorts on many.

Like I said, though there is nothing clearly stating, “Hi I am moved by spiritual beings to create porn,” there are Biblical passages that let us know otherwise.

“Put to death therefore what is earthly in you:[b] sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry.”  Colossians 3:5

Notice what sexual devious behavior is called; idolatry!  Idolatry is worshiping something that is not God.  It is a putting value on something greater than God.  But the word idolatry also carries the definition of fetishism which is an abnormal drive towards the valuing of a kind of sexual focus or desire.  A worshiping of it.  It seems this is a spiritual idea after all isn’t it?  In the temptation of the Christ, the goal of Satan was to have Jesus see his own personal health, wealth, and power to be of more value than obeying the Father.  Satan would win if Jesus would cave in to his own selfish desires.  But he would have none of it!

“For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.”  Ephesians 6:12

When we come against the temptations, or after caving into a temptation, we later move against it by a repentant heart, or removing the obstacle in our way, then we are actually wrestling against spiritual entities!   That’s radical to pontificate on.  We fight not against people, but against an unseen, organized army behind the scene.  And there powerful.

There is a spiritual reality that the Bible stresses is real and active behind the things in our world.  Making sex a commodity or the unregulated capitalist context it thrives in are both made up of a spiritual component.   They both are powerful; the selling of sex and the economic context it thrives in have a goal in mind.  What are we to do?  Do we all have to unplug totally from the internet/cable or go hardcore of the grid to have a shot of victory?

Sport, Exhausting, To Clench Teeth, Give All, Leisure
Frustrated and Overwhelmed!

There is a comfort I get from the passage in Ezekiel.  It goes something like this…  God will judge those who prey on me.  Not just in the area of the entertainment of the world, but on the powers that be which create such a society.

The passage goes on to say that the ladies made the hearts of those who were taken in by them sad.  The people were burdened down by such promises from those who received financial gain through there exploitation’s.  Certainly many can attest to this sadness when being taken in by the availability of material that is made to cause lust in us.  It is created to cause a stumble, a downfall.  Such downfalls seem like out of control behavior.  Even giving our money over to them!  It can seem all to hard to resist!  But God promises to judge.

“‘This is because they have led my people astray saying, “All is well,” when things are not well.  Ezekiel 13:10

“Will you entrap my people’s lives, yet preserve your own lives?”  Ezekiel 13:18

There is always a promise that is made by those who receive money in most exchanges.  It can be that your investment will work out well, or that you will be satisfied with the product purchased.  In some cases there is a deception as the promised outcome is not what was promised.  This is so true with today’s lustful programming or entertainment.  How many world-wide spend hours a night watching adult material or reading adult material only to be bummed!  Bummed that you have wandering eyes, a seeming inability to say no, or not being honest about your actions.  There are many reasons to be bummed isn’t there!  It seems the power of this worlds ways are overwhelming and certainly exhausting.  And it is.  And it makes sense why!  We never in any time of history had so much eye candy to look at!  Our ancestors did not have to deal with this.  What we face today is underrepresented and not normal to us humans!

Just as we were not made to sit and look at a screen for hours, or eat foods that are made in a lab.  Looking at people having sex for hours on end has no benefit, and is a waste.   It actually makes many depressed.  I know it does and wish I never struggled with this.  May God use my own battles to help others.

God is compassionate to understand what we are up against.  Don’t blame God for the system that we are in.  It is our doing for sure.  Blaming God won’t get us anywhere.  I simply am comforted that he will judge.  There is a day coming, that God Almighty will set things right.
In the meantime, do not give up contending.

God will judge.  And in turn, the souls shall go free!

“Nothing is wasted” …for wives

For most women in the Beauty for Ashes Group (myself included),
there has been a time where we have thought about separation,
and what our life would be like without our husbands, without
porn, and without the pain that comes from walking through
healing from sexual sin.

It can be easy to let the mind wander, to the “what if’s.”

“What if I wasn’t married?”

“What if I had another life?”

“What if he does____… will I stay?”

My own, “what if” was full of how free and happy I’d be IF I
wasn’t married.

I would fantasize about moving to India to become a missionary;
it was easy to imagine how “wonderful” and Christ-filled my life
would be, if only I wasn’t married.

I really wrestled to understand why my husband couldn’t just stop

Thoughts like these came often…

“If he’s truly sorry, then why does he continue to do this time
again and again?!


 “If he really loves me, he would stop sinning and causing me
pain…he must not really love me…I would never do this to him!”

I remember each day teetering on whether or not my husband had
had a “good” sin day or not. If he had looked at porn or self
gratified, I was majorly bummed out, hurt and offended!

The offense was VERY personal…as if his reason for looking at
another was because he was not satisfied in me; I saw it as a
personal adultery of the heart.

Looking back on this time, I see a lot of hypocrisy in my life. I too
was very far from loving my husband perfectly, and I greatly
lacked the very loyalty which I had so criticized in him. My love
became performance based, conditional, and very critical.

The reality was my husband did love and cherish me. He was
fighting the good fight of faith, and falling… sometimes daily,
sometimes longer, but he had not given himself over to his sin like
before. He was in an accountability group; he was being honest
with me about his struggles; and he was looking to God to be his
Helper and Deliverer. He wanted to change, and his sin grieved
him. He was fighting, yet falling.

Proverbs 24:16 says, 

“A righteous man falls seven times in a day, then get’s back up

The Proverb doesn’t say, “a righteous man never falls, or sins,

Yet this was what I expected of him- to live a “perfect,” sin free

 Sometimes when I wrestle with judgement about my husband’s
struggle with lust, it really helps me to consider the areas that I
struggle in my own life. For example, worry and fear are constant
areas of struggle for me.

This is an area where I REALLY struggle; I struggle to trust God
all the time: with the little things, the big things- you name it- I
suck at trust! The truth is, as much as I struggle with this, I have
really come to hate this area of sin in my life. Sometimes it
literally feels like a chain around my neck. I don’t want to do it,
but I do. (Romans 7:15)

Even though I WANT to trust God with my whole heart and not
fear ever again… even when I know I’m wrong…even when I’m
fighting and trying with all my might to be strong…it’s like,
sometimes I just can’t help myself and there I am again, right
back in my sin.

The struggle to abstain from lust is similar for my husband, and
through time I have learned that his failures, confessions, and
desire to change are beautiful moves toward God.

Just his very desire to be different, is a working out of the Holy
Spirit in his heart toward more freedom and healing! That doesn’t
mean it doesn’t hurt when he lusts over another; it can leave me
feeling sad, un-loved, or create distance between us. Still I want
to align my heart with the heart of the Father, and remember that
these moments are used by God to draw us closer to Himself.

When we look at the story of the Prodigal son, we see it’s not until
he was face down in the pig muck that he wanted to go home.
(Luke 15: 11-32)

Sometimes God uses these sin moments, and failures
and fallings to show us the BETTER PLEASURE of
Christ, and the beauty of living in the Father’s house.
Nothing is wasted in Him…not even the pig muck
moments of life.

The struggle for my husband was real (and remains so); looking
back, I see how self-focused (and self righteous) I was.

I thought only of myself- my hurt, my pain, my sadness, my
desires for his freedom, me, me, me- all the time, and no care at
all for my husband. I began to see my husband as the very enemy
himself, and my heart became more and more hard and separate
from him.

My own self-righteousness had blinded me to the hatred and sin
in my own heart. Instead of seeing his problem as our problem,
and his pain as my pain, I saw him as THE problem- period.

This is not a biblical way of thinking though. Over and over, God
calls us to care for one another, to be merciful, to forgive, and not
hold our sins against one another. (Please read Matthew

2 Corinthians 5 also says: 

“Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of
reconciliation; that is, in Christ, God was reconciling the world to
himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and
entrusting to us the message of reconciliation.” 

“Carry one another’s burdens and so fulfill the law of
Christ.” (Galatians 6:2) 

 Also in John 13, when Jesus poured the water into the basin and
washed the disciples feet he said to them,

“…As I have done for you, so do for one another.” 

Jesus wasn’t afraid to put His hands in our filth, and be with us in
our muck. He didn’t hold our sin against us, but has entrusted us
with His message of reconciliation.

Can you imagine if God required perfection of us to be in a
relationship with Him? Or if God allowed our past (or present
sins) to define His relationship with us for the rest of eternity?

Yet, for those that have put their faith in Christ, the former things
are forgotten. They are lost in the ocean, never to be found again.
(See Micah 7:18-20) The Father calls us “justified,” which means
“just as if we’d never sinned.” (Romans 5:1)

Recently I met a gal and she said something that really struck me.
She said, “I’m not going to waste anymore of my life; he makes me
too unhappy.

I couldn’t help thinking about the Father’s love that runs to meet
the prodigal son, the Father who waits and waits, and watches for
his son to come home. Similarly, there’s a beautiful passage in
Hosea where God is talking about adulterous Israel. She has gone
astray and failed Him, and broken His heart yet again. But this is
the response of the Lord’s heart-

“How can I give you up, O Ephraim? How can I hand you over, O
Israel? How can I make you like Admah? How can I treat you like
Zeboiim? My heart recoils within me; my compassion grows warm
and tender.”

 Isn’t God’s love for us so beautiful? I so wish I loved more like
Him. To the wife who’s husband is sorry, broken, sad and
struggling in his sin, I encourage you to run to him (as the Father
of the prodigal son did), embrace him, and cover him with the
Father’s robe…

“For love COVERS a multitude of sins. (1 Peter 4:8) 

By, Bethany

Confession, The Sign of a Good Marriage?

Confession! Makes you cringe a bit I bet.  Why would you want to share your issues with your loved one?  Isn’t that what will break up the marriage?  Well, it could.  But what confession will do certainly is reveal what your marriage is built on. If it is on your illusion of a partner that is perfect…or near to it, then it will fail utterly, but if you already know your partner in this life is a sinner in need of a Savior, then you might just pull off an awesome marriage.

But don’t get me wrong, your foundation is everything as to which way the marriage will go after a confession.  I have heard some pretty serious confessions over the years from marriatal couples, including my own!  And I am always built up in my faith when I see those couples firmly ready for the trial ahead through they know it is going to be very, very difficult.

There are certainly relationship ideas we pick up living on the planet that stick to us unknowingly.  This confession deal is one of them.  We don’t think it is good.  Especially in a relationship.  Sharing with your girlfriend that you struggle with porn might not be a good starter at the dinner table (don’t do it!  Wait until a better time!).

But we never do share.  We are afraid more than likely.  And afraid of what?  Of the person we care about leaving us.  Being alone again.  It is a big risk to confess in many ways.  We humans do not know how to handle weakness well.  We value strength yet know instinctively that we are all so frail.  But revealing the frailty is the challenge.

Paul, the apostle of Jesus wrote a book to the Corinthian Church on his own frailty.  And Jesus through He is The King, because the servant to us all (Isaiah 53).

In a marriage, there is enough time with the other to see the flaws which they have.  They become clear with time.  This is the opportunity that we all have in marriage in serving the other; loving, caring, praying, encouraging, fortifying.

You both need to learn to battle sinful inclinations.  And you need to do it together!  Most couples look at trials as a hardship or a bummer, just wanting to get over it…raise your hands, praise the Lord etc.. etc… etc….  But oh how wrong that is.  It makes for great religion, but horrible parenting!  Your kids, teenagers need to see how parents battle sin.  If you see it has a drag, they will too.  If you see it as a bummer and can’t wait for the rainbow on the other side, they will too.  You will teach them whether you like it or not; It is happening.  But you might be very troubled to learn that you are not equipping them for the future.  So it is important, even vital to realize that if you see confession and the battle against sin which follows in an ill way, you teach them contrary to the Word of God.

Consider it all joy when you go through various trials knowing that testing of your faith produces patience.  But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.  James 1:2-4

Confession certainly brings about a trial in our faith.  Will we trust God as Soverign in our lives who knew this time in our lives?  Whatever comes against us trusting God is an attack on our faith.  And fear of a confession can be what comes against us in marriage!  We would rather not hear it.  But that is fear, not faith.  Do I believe God is big enough to work on my spouses issues?   There is a pain in hearing and giving a confession, but it can lead to a closer realtionship if brought to God with a united front.

If you are marriied, are you ok with your spouce knowing the area’s you are weak in?  If not, why?

One other thought…Peter and I finished up a Better Pleasure podcast recently where we answered the question, “Why your spouse is not the best accountability partner.”  I think you might want to check it out.  The question is around the later part of the podcast, but hope you take the time to listen to the entire answer.

My Time With Dr David J. Ley

david ley

Last Friday I had the pleasure of meeting (Video interview) Dr. David J. Ley!  The clinical psychologist who’s book, The Myth of Sex Addiction has been a lightning rod of chatter!  What a fun opportunity to get to know him, and talk with someone who enjoys to discuss the issues of sex, sensuality, porn culture, and helping others.  My Church culture is one where sex addiction is always spoken of as a fact.  Just last month I spoke to Ministers in our City on the topic (They named it, not me)!  So it was very exciting to talk to someone who thinks otherwise.  Why would I do such a thing right?!
Of course we don’t see eye to eye on everything, but the man has a heart for people (Though he admits that he is known as quite the block of dynamite)!  So I had a feeling we would have a pretty good time.  Which I did.  Here is an example from his book which shows his heart for those wanting help.

“This diagnosis (Sex Addiction) poses a real risk of stigma and shame to innocent people, simply because their sexual behaviors do not fit what is defined as the social norm (though we truly have little data about what the norm actually is.)  page 3, The Myth of Sex Addiction

I tend to always feel as though I should learn from those that have thought much through these issues.  And the best advice I had before entering the time with David was simply to ask him questions and listen and learn.  Good advice.  I notified David for the interview, and he obliged graciously.
One of the idea’s that he really was hitting home on concerned this shaming of an act, instead of looking at the inner heart behind the act.  I could tell he is frustrated in a ocean of sex addiction culture that tends to judge an act as wrong first, and then later go to the heart issues, if at all.  He would like to see that approach reversed.  This no doubt is due to the research he has referenced in his book on the multi level of issues that predominately come out in a person who self diagnoses themselves with sex addiction.

“This is the problem for the concept of sex addiction.  Surveys of sex addicts show up that up to 40 percent have anxiety disorders, 40 percent have substance abuse disorders, and 70 percent have mood disorders.”  pg 46, The Myth of Sex Addiction

I understood his point.  What if a person comes to me and I simply avoided his marriage issues, or the stress he’s (or she) under, or maybe the tragedy’s he has experienced in life, and in turn, concluded, he could be healed by simply throwing out his computer?
There is a time to throw out the PC, but there is much fallow ground to break up first.  Like getting to know a person and his life and behaviors.  I think of my own life, and how I relate to porn.  Most of the time I don’t even think about wanting to watch it.  But there are certain times that it tantalizes me.  Not just any porn, but certain kinds.
If I asked you why you ate today?  How would you respond?  And you have to be honest, ok.  Most of us would have to admit that we eat for many of the same reasons we do many things.  Comfort, release stress, bored, supposed to be good for me, its just what we do and it keeps me in shape (but what kind of shape right)!  All these and many more answers would be the same for viewing pornography or the like.
My point is there are many things we do to which we do not have good reasons for them, or  simply do them out of  a consistent behavior over time.  And we can all agree that changing a behavior is not easy, let alone changing a persons paradigm of there entire life!  So I can see David’s point.  He seemed concerned that those in the sex addiction camp treat everyone alike, which I assume is too simplistic of an opinion.  But I certainly understand his heart.  And I like that approach.
Again Dr. Ley on this topic:

As one sex therapist and clinician described to me, “The sex addiction diagnosis is a lazy diagnosis.  It ignores more relevant emotional and psychiatric issues to focus exclusively upon a person’s sexual behavior.” pg 47, The Myth of Sex Addiction

I don’t think all sex addiction models focus exclusively upon a person’s sexual behavior in therapy or counseling any more than a Biblical counselor would.  I personally as a Pastor can only go over what the Bible teaches about sex, sexuality, sensuality, gender, God and the like.  And it is through these talks, were able to get into so many foundation area’s of life, dare I say, all area’s of life.  Though I am readily admitting that the person’s sex choices have become extreme and damaging.
As David was kicking back in his chair dialoging with me, there was something he said that I would have loved to talk to him about the entire time.  The subject turned to objective and subjective truth as it relates to the sex addiction model.  Let me explain here.  Dr. Ley was frustrated at the sex addiction model for reasons of inconsistency in its reasoning for why certain sex acts are bad.  As he saw it, there is a chink in the armor, and so they have changed there tune a bit.  Again, let me explain.  He sees the S.A. model changing it’s reasoning as to why pornography or other alternative sex is bad, from morality arguments from 30 years ago, to today, where the stress in the argument lies in public health (i.e. Fight the New Drug, Texas house resolution 112).  I brought up the seemingly similarities to the prohibition movement from a century ago, and he nodded, in agreement.  This was nothing new to me.  I teach a presentation every semester at the Jr. College on issues like this. The Kefauver Senate hearings of 1955, in addition to many things shared, commented on the damages to porn on the youth culture, as adult material was being delivered in the mail!
“In some of this rude material the purveyors lured children into ordering and paying for, in the larger percentage of cases however it has not been ordered at all. It is the sales solicitation material which in itself, is usually debauched and rankly obscene, and it goes to children as young as eight years old, because their names land on the mailing list…”
“All this may I say is utter and deadly nonsense; our society has many provisions that protect minor children from corrupting them or dangerous influences. Preventing the peddling of pornographic material to children is no more a violation of civil liberties than is preventing the sale of liquor or dope to these children.”

The Kefauver Senate Hearings of 1955

But the committee did did not have the research that we have today to tote out on the ever changing brain, especially in young people (i.e. your brain on porn).  It is very true that the argument has changed when it comes to obscenity, as it had in the prohibition movement so many years ago.  Drinking too much was a moral issue, but when it could not be passed as such, they changed the propaganda.  And using the public health card, won the day.
David sees this change as a move from objectivity to subjectivity.  And certainly loosing credibility in doing so.  I asked him would be give the S.A. proponents more clout if they stayed consistent with the morality argument?  And he said absolutely!  What bothered him, from what I gathered, was the change of emphasis to how the brain is wired or rewired.  To him, this revealed a leak in the overall foundation of his proponents.  And in turn a revealing not only a crack in the foundation, but one that affects other people, through shame based redirect, which seemed so important in the past, but no longer is worthy as a contender in the ring of public opinion.  The morality argument is dead.  But what about those needing help?  How can we help them, if we are inconsistent with why the behavior is wrong in the first place?  This is where I saw the conversation going.
It made me think about the importance of staying consistent.  Why do I think a sexual act is wrong?  Is is because of what the Bible says?  I personally have chosen to come under it’s ideas on mankind.  But in doing so, I have put myself under a system that I can never achieve in this life!  As C.S. Lewis has said in Mere Christianity, “but we believe we will receive help in this life.”   He is correct of course, but even with the help given, we find a inconsistency, which humbles us immensely.  And hopefully this humility leads us to a compassion.  I hope it does so in me.  And I bet you too.

“Christianity is strange.  It orders man to recognize that he is vile, and even abominable, yet orders him to seek to be like God.  Without such a counterbalance, that elevation would make him horribly vain, or that humbling would make him terribly abject.”  The Christian Life, Blaze Pascal

Lastly, I wanted to press about the help for wives of men who have come to him.  Of course I was hoping to glean some things from him, as my heart goes out to many of the women in our Beauty For Ashes group (wives of those in recovery).  I came at it from the angle of understanding that within the inner workings of counseling with a person with sexual issues, if married, there are certainly behaviors in which a wife will have to review herself…if she is willing and desiring to move forward in the marriage.  And this is what I was hoping to get a revelation on!  Maybe he had seen something work really well to help the wives learn about discussing sex and sensuality, which we knew is seldom done at all in a marriage.  But instead of getting the enlightenment I was hoping for, he simply put his hands up behind his head and had a puzzled look on his face…  I know that face well, as it is one I have had before in counseling.  At that moment I knew what he was going to share.  And it was honest!  He let me know that there was not much hope in that area he had seen.  What he meant, (my opinion) was that it seemed just as the overall U.S. culture is so schizophrenic (un-predictable) concerning sexual issues, so a spouse too, is a person who has not only been hurt immensely, but now needs to start the process of healing which includes there own battling of those inner demons (i.e. I refer to fear, hate, disappointment, control, insecurity).  Which if  you ever have participated in this kind of counseling, is no easy task to do.  I did not push it.  I could tell that topic was important to him, but his overall push in the culture has been to work on a different battle front.  Not that it is not important to him, but simply his energy has been used up elsewhere.
Working in any area of helping people requires much from you.  At times, all of you!  And he really seems to have a passion for those that are desiring help, and for that I commend him.  Of course, we are not going to agree on all things, but I am still trying to agree with Jesus on everything (haha)!  My mind does, but my body says otherwise at times!
This last quote from Dr. Ley will show you that he too is open to dialog.  So much so, he had a chat with me!

“There is not just one answer to the question of sex addiction.  It is not just an impulse or a compulsion.  It is not just the effect of testosterone or dopamine.  The reason the concept of sex addiction is so challenging to pin down is the many different social and moral concepts that are embedded within it, where the only commonality is that the issue of sexual behavior is involved.  The other issues that are involved, whether it be emotional functioning, brain functioning, relationship skills, or adaptability, are ignored by the extreme focus on sexual behaviors.”  pg. 206, The Myth of Sex Addiction

As you can read, this was fun for me.  Learning is fun. Hearing people talk about things your interested in can be very intellectually thrilling.  I hope others too will not shy away from peaceful dialog on the issues at hand in our society.  For we both are just human beings.  The greatest of these (gifts) is love, so the Bible tells us!  And for that reason alone, its worth the chat!

An Insight into a lust driven individual

One of the greatest examples of the intensity of lustful cravings is found in Genesis 38.  It really is an amazing Chapter socked between the events of Joseph’s life.  Judah, being an elder brother of Joseph was a part of selling his brother to a foreign country, an act that no doubt weighed on his sick heart.  When a heart is guilty, we will do whatever it takes to cover it up.

Chapter 38 Judah get’s involved in the world of the Canaanites.  By the way, the Canaanites had a different set of morals.  They did things differently, no doubt.  There are so many voices today discussing sex, sexuality, sensuality, and why it is good to indulge, as long as you indulge in a certain, considerate way.

Freud (God is just an illusion), Kinsey (legitimizing immorality) were prototypes of what would later come in today’s Psychology.  All there work has one substantial idea;  There is no God, or God of the Bible.  As Freud pointed out,”At bottom God is nothing more than an exalted father.”

Judah no doubt, was influenced as we all are.  Do not be misled: “Bad company corrupts good character.”  1st Corinthians 15:33

Judah sees a fine looking Canaanite women and marries her.  It is amazing to realize that the eyes once again are getting man into trouble.  Death and Destruction are never satisfied, and neither are human eyes.  Proverbs 27:20

This will be a theme in the chapter, as it is with many of our lives.

As we move on in the Chapter, Judah now sees a prostitute who happens to be his daughter in law.

“When Judah saw her, he thought her to be a harlot; because she had covered her face.”  Genesis 38:15

The lust is so intense in him, that he prays or begs for an opportunity to sleep with her!  Judah was a young teen at the time.   16yrs of age approximately according to the Bible scholar Matthew Henry.  Judah like so many teens after him cannot deny the lust that haunts him.  Judah “turns” to her.

Now comes the giving of our possessions for our lustful desires.  Judah in exchange for the sex, gives her a ram as a promise and to show that he is true to his word, his prize possession of a signet ring and bracelets were given too.  

C.S. Lewis wrote that a man with an obsession has very little sales resistance.  When lust comes calling, we will we give up all that we have for it? This is the incredible insanity of it all.  The heart affects the eyes, which in turn affect the heart.

What have we given up to get our own sexual gratification?  For some it has been the most cherished relationship we have ever had, our spouses.  Oh, how this sin cuts at our heart and must be cast down to the ground as a filthy idol that cannot help us in the slightest.

I will like you to read from Matthew Henry’s commentary at this point.

kid from the flock, a goodly price at which her chastity and honor were valued! Nay, had the consideration been thousands of rams, and ten thousand rivers of oil, it had not been a valuable consideration. The favour of God, the purity of the soul, the peace of conscience, and the hope of heaven, are too precious to be exposed to sale at any such rates; the Topaz of Ethiopia cannot equal them: what are those profited that lose their souls to gain the world? 3. It turned to the reproach of Judah that he left his jewels in pawn for a kid. Note, Fleshly lusts are not only brutish, but sottish, and ruining to men’s secular interests. It is plain that whoredom, as well as wine, and new wine, takes away the heart first, else it would never take away the signet and the bracelets.

Doesn’t the indulgence in pornography or other sexual sin take away the security we have in Christ?  Oh, the inner emptiness of the soul when lust is taken over a person of God.  It is aweful the utter feeling of surrender to indulgence.  Though the world tells you it is fine, go for it, there are no consequences.  It is not true.  It is a boldface lie from the pit.  They know it and you know it.  For what happens when a famous one does indulge?  Why the news of such scandal if it is ok to do?  The world is loaded with contradictions.  Let’s realize they do not have the answers.  Fight against it!  Don’t give up!  

We get an insight into Judah’s heart after the deed was done in verse 23.  “Let her take them, lest we be shamed…”

This is what the fulfilling of lust will give us.  Shame!  It’s that awful feeling from the inner person who knows he has done wrong.  This is what the unbeliever needs to sear or cut off to continue on the path.  

Do you feel awful when you indulge?  Good!  Your conscience is alive!

Judah was afraid of what others would say about his actions.  He desired an anonymity to his behavior like the internet gives us, but he had none.  Can you relate to this?  What have you done to cover your actions?  What were you afraid off?

Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is kept safe.  Proverbs 29:25

The harlot goes public and Judah faces up to what he did.  This is why it is best to confess with someone of what you have done, namely God.  But Judah does acknowledge in the end his foolishness, (vs. 26).  And from that time he did not have relations with her again.

There is a lesson learned for young Judah.  We too need to learn from our mistakes, and learn to think differently.  There is incredible insecurity in sinful actions.  I know it!  “But whoever trust in the Lord is kept safe.”  There is nothing that selfish lustful inclinations will do to help or keep us protected.  But from this event we see that it will take our possessions and even our reputation, which when gone, is very hard to get back.

The beautiful grace of God is also available to us as it was to Judah.  Jesus is called the Lion of the tribe of Judah (Revelation 5:5).  This is no small title for the Son of God.  Jesus is from the seed of King David, who was from his father Jesse, of the Tribe of Judah.  And if we keep going back through his grandfathers we will see that this harlot that Judah went into had a baby named Perez.  This is the Perez mentioned in the following passage of Ruth.

Ruth 4:18-22 Now this is the genealogy of Perez: Perez begot Hezron; Hezron begot Ram, and Ram begot Amminadab; Amminadab begot Nahshon, and Nahshon begot Salmon; Salmon begot Boaz, and Boaz begot Obed; Obed begot Jesse, and Jesse begot David.

And here in the book of Matthew chapter 1.

The book of the genealogy of Jesus Christ, the Son of David, the Son of Abraham:

Abraham begot Isaac, Isaac begot Jacob, and Jacob begot Judah and his brothers. Judah begot Perez and Zerah by Tamar, Perez begot Hezron, and Hezron begot Ram. Ram begot Amminadab, Amminadab begot Nahshon, and Nahshon begot Salmon. Salmon begot Boaz by Rahab, Boaz begot Obed by Ruth, Obed begot Jesse, and Jesse begot David the king.

God’s grace always abounds!  I believe that do you?

How does the passage (Romans 5:20), “Where sin abounds, grace abounds all the more,” relate to this chapter?

What do you learn from Judah and this encounter that he has?  

What influences in our lives lead us into immorality?

What does the non-believing world tell us about sexual sin?

How does the heart of mankind affect the eyes and in turn, the eyes of mankind affect the heart?

How has shame played a role in your life?

What is the remedy for our shame?

Listen to the following message by Pastor John Piper on Justification:

A Common Attack for those Christians that go back to Porn

“Surely I have cleansed my heart in vain.”  Psalm 73:13

The Psalm of Asaph really struck a chord with me this morning as I sip some anti-oxidants, otherwise known as coffee, on this beautiful clear and hot day in the desert.
I have talked with many who get to this point in their bondage with sexual sin.  “Surely Beau, I should just give in…what’s the point, I’m doomed, there’s no hope.”
I find myself on those occasions asking them questions like this:
Why then was their hope for guys like we read in the Bible?  Abraham, Moses, Jacob, Saul, David, Solomon, Gideon, etc…  Can you say, PETER!!! (talk about a spiritual face-plant!)
For those in the new covenant who sin, there is this ever attack from the enemy that Asaph get’s here in Psalm 73.  I can see Asaph today saying, “this culture is seemingly going about it’s sexual immorality with no real consequences.”  It’s normal for them and I don’t see them suffering, maybe God is at the bar so to speak, or taking a nap (vs. 20).
Have you ever thought that way?  I certainly have.  LIES!  That’s what they are.
For anyone who has lived in the way of sexual liberty, you know that there are consequences to choices we make.  It seemed fine at the time, but oh, how later on it was difficult to turn off the lust button and put on the love one!  Virtually impossible for some.  In a media saturated culture, we too, like Aspah think, “the ungodly are always at ease and seem happy!”
Until we get our minds in the Word of God, we will continually be bombarded with this foolish and ignorant mind. (vs. 21-22).  We need a mind change… better input for sure.
There is always hope for those that are in the fight!  I share that often to men that are in despair.  Continue to get in the ring when the bell sounds, continue to get back up when you stumble and fall.  For those that are of the covenant, we fight and we fight with getting back into the Word, seeking God, learning to enjoy Him more than sexual immorality and it’s passing pleasures.

It’s not that simple (The Over Simplification of winning)

While in a meeting the other night one of our leaders was taking us through Israel’s time in Egypt.  A familiar story to us all; the topic of being free through partaking of the Passover Lamb came up, and we spent time talking about how it looks to break free through Christ.  One of the brothers responded to us all by saying, “If we just listen to Sermons all day we will win the battle.”  If only it were that easy I thought…Is it?
Many Christians listen to many sermons, yet still struggle with pornography and lustful inclinations.  I commented by stating the obvious, yet un-reported fact that King David and Solomon wrote parts of the Old Testament yet struggled.  Go figure, you can even write the Scripture and still be stuck in sexual immorality while doing it!  So just listening to a sermon alone will not cut it.
It amazes me how many ways there are to, “get off Porn,” in the Church culture.  You can pay thousands of dollars to take courses, go to conferences, retreats and order DVD’s that will set up on the right track.  But will they?  For some, these are the beginning of a new life, and for others, it’s a waste of time and money.
There is no substitute for the body of Christ.  None!  Everything we need to walk in healthy ways are for us in the Church.  And you know what, there free!  Can you seek the Glory of God free of charge?  Yep!  Can you take in the Word for no cost.  There are ministries you can find accountability.  Confession to your fellow human comes without price, as does the encouragement to cut off the area(s) that are dragging you down.
The utter failure for most suggestions on how to get off of Porn is that it isn’t just one thing that will do the trick.  It takes a community to help us change.  As you seek to get involved at your fellowship you will noticed deeper issues that you have.  Fear of getting to know people (or having them know you) or anger.  Maybe you will find that you have a critical spirit towards your Church.  These are they that hold us from experiencing the change we seek.  We want things to come easy.  But this battle will not be easy.  It was never intended to be.  What is required is a total commitment to your termination, and a full submission to the Lord of heaven and earth.  What is holding you back.  When you look within, you will find things far more scary than pornography.

Anime – The Subtle & Insidious

This is a difficult topic to write about.  But it is life, and for some, it has been a real part of there lives to which my heart grieves to hear there stories.  Rape is nothing to mess around with.  But with that said, for those who research our pornified culture and trends online it isn’t hard to notice that there is a genre of rape fantasy which is accessible to those wanting it, and also stumbled upon to the curious.  There are a bit softer versions of this degregation porn on the popular tube sites on the internet for free, but there is one expression on this that I want to share, if for anything, for parents to be aware.  Secondly, I find it always important to look into our own hearts and find the need for courage and compassion.  Not that we might have it, but we need it in our world that has become very tricky to navigate in.
It’s always good to remember that all of us, including our offspring live in a physical world and a virtual one.  With students spending as many as 7 to 9 hours of a day being spent on the internet, it seems vital that we continue to learn to navigate this rough terrain.
Rape themes come in the most tortuous ways online.  Would you believe it, you can get rid of all the human pornography in the world and you wouldn’t touch this!  The makers of it are in the family of entertainment that has brought us Pokemon and Dragon Ball Z.  Yes, it’s Adult Anime, or A.K.A. Japanese animation for adults.  I certainly don’t mean to say that all Anime has rape themes, for that is a un-truth.   But the same country that brings us Anime with it’s interesting characters of fun loving young animals and people, gives us sensuality on bizarre level like never before.
Anime in general depicts young people in it’s shows.  They fight off monsters and can be quite likable, but most popular Anime characters, that are human looking, appear around 12-18 years of age.  As you navigate through the various Anime online you find that there are sensual themes in many.  These young ladies (teens), have voluptuous breast, and skirts that are so tiny that you can, at times, see there undergarments.  It seems all to weird that these are high school kids lusting after one another.  Some go so far as to show everything but genitals.  Most would deem it pornographic for sure.  You might ask how this is legal.  But from what I have read online, Japan has a different set of laws and philosophy on the nature of sex in general.  You must remember that not all countries feel the same way as the U.S. about sex.
But hang on, this is only the beginning.  It is easy online to jump from Anime, to it’s adult counterpart officially known as Hentai (meaning pervert).  This is a word that basically means Adult Anime.  The themes can be somewhat similar to it’s less sexual parallel.  But it is important for us to understand that the material in Hentai is very extreme.  The characters look still 12-18, there voluptuous breast got even bigger, and the violence get’s…well, move violent.  Rape is a common theme in Hentai; and the most vicious kinds that I will not mention in detail.  My heart breaks and is grieved by it as if I watched a clip on war or killings being done.  Most girls seem to fight the sex in Hentai, meaning they verbally say, “NO.”  Yet the male or beast, continues to invade.  What does this communicate to a kid who is watching?  This is what I do not understand;  It is illegal in this country for kids under the age of 18 to watch pornography, yet there is no regulation to this material online.  Though it might be also illegal to watch them due to copy-write laws, it is freely distributed by many sites with no age restrictions!  So confusing.
To me, this is a form of child pornography. Many of the clips or shows depict young women, under 18 engaging in the most heart breaking sexual situations.  In my own conspiracy theory brain, I see how kids that watch a certain kind of Anime can become somewhat desensitized to it’s themes that crossover into it’s adult counterpart, Hentai.  Sensuality is in Anime, violence is is Anime, but it goes Godzilla in Hentai!  It is also insane to think that the most hard core of porn on the internet is in animation form!  Cartoon like!  I am reminded that Jesus spoke of the thief as coming to steal, kill and destroy lives.  What is the impact of this material on a young life?  I have only looked into this material for the past two moths, can you imagine years watching this?
What I have learned is that Japanese Adult entertainment is loaded with the rape theme. Whether in animation form or not, it is commonly portrayed in videos.  Watching the animation version seems a bit less deviant to me as it’s a cartoon looking person, but there is such similarity between the two.  Girls can look very young with the man groping her, unwillingly.
We are against sex trafficking, yet the ideas of coercion seem self evident in so many of the Japanese material which is online and available for free!  Seems so confusing don’t it.  Can you put yourself in a kids shoes to navigate through the mixed messages!  But it’s something we are used to in this country.  Though murder is against the law, we can watch plenty of shows with it’s theme.  We must learn to regulate what we take in.  Asking the state to do it for us might not be the answer we are looking for, yet it would be nice if this kind of material I am writing about here was regulated better in my opinion…at the least… for kids.
Remember that as parents we need to be wise as serpents and gentle as doves.  We need to create a positive and healthy online environment for our kids, so look into internet filters or routers.  Companies have heard the cry of many parents and overseer’s and in response have created many tools to  help navigate this world of pitfalls.
I often ask how could anyone get off on this kind of smut.  Many in the Christian community certainly would not be transparent on such a admission.  But in reading David Ley’s material on this subject, I was really interested in this statement.
“Some women who have experienced the tragedy of sexual assault go on to be tormented by tremendous psychological turmoil over sexual fantasies of rape and forceful sex.  They feel angry and upset with themselves, confused that they and their bodies are responding with sexual arousal to a fantasy similar to an event that was so traumatic and devastating.

Sexual fantasy about rape is exceedingly common among women, with as many as 25 to 65 percent of women endorsing some form of this fantasy, at least once in their lives, in one form or another.”  David Ley

This really throws a wrench into thoughts and ideas that we have doesn’t it?
Can you imagine being a feminist and having such thoughts?  Very paradoxical wouldn’t you say.  But is it?
The Bible tells us that the heart of man is wicked.  “The heart is the most deceitful thing there is, and desperately wicked.  No one can really know how bad it is!”  (The Living Bible)
From the moment were online we already are infected with a virus, but it’s in the mind.  You see, fantasy in the mind can be independent of even our beliefs.  That’s what I gather from David Ley’s quote above.  What that means?; even though I might admit that something is morally bad and have not experienced the trauma of it in actually life, my heart independent of my belief could desire to engage in it; I can be tempted.  Today’s online Porn perpetuates this in my opinion.  Though I know it is bad to rape, I find these themes tempting, especially when presented, subtly, the way it is in Anime/Hentai. Think about it another way.  Why do we love to watch action movies?  We find them exciting, un-realistic for sure, yet in our hearts we find that the themes of winning and loosing resound within our hearts.  We know we can’t do what is on the screen, but oh, how cool it is to wish!  There is something that resounds in us.  Isn’t that the same with pornography?  Sex is so fun and exciting.  Can’t we do the same with sexual themes as well as action and adventure?  Though nobody tries to do what Thor does, we fantasize about it don’t we.  And so pornography is another way for us to fulfill an idea too.  Don’t people do that with erotic novels as well or sports?  We long for something.  We can easily go to places in our mind.  As radio and TV have in the past, today’s online experience helps us to imagine.
In 2001 at the U of Vermont, research was done and found that 80% of married women fantasized about someone other than their husbands at one time and 98% of married men fantasized about someone other than their wife at one time.  So it would seem to be a very common temptation that most have.  That statement is from a Christian perspective though.  If you believed polygamy or polyandry was ok, then desiring another would be the first step to asking the person on a date!
The Christian Scriptures tell us that all temptation is common and experienced by all of us (1st Cor 10:13).  Not saying that all of us have had this particular fantasy, but just that we are human when tempted.  It is “normal.”  Pornography simply put, gives us a resting place for our deviant minds to act out, without actually acting out.
Porn trends are trends of our hearts!  Yikes that’s a hard truth to hear.  The tiniest of percentage of porn viewers actually go out and commit rape, yet how many watch it globally?  Millions maybe?  377 million viewers per month visit just one of the most famous adult tube sites available on the net according to estimates on!  There are many, many viewers of pornography.  And many kinds of porn.  Most consumers do not look at rape porn, but of course, some do.
But even beyond that I realize that the Bible itself could be viewed in such a frame as well, with it’s Song of Solomon or characters like Samson.  Certainly there are places where women are not treated the best.  Actually many were sex slaves or concubines.  And the greatest men of the Old Testament had them.  The Bible never tells us that what they did was right, but they did do it.
So how do we change this trend?  How to cut the human heart that is so filled with madness?  That is the question. How to transform a heart to think differently?  This is what is needed.
Jesus promises to do this.  A world of people like Jesus would be a safe place.
I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.  Ezekiel 36:26
For parents;  be aware of your kids who might enjoy Anime.  Be involved in what they like to watch and help talk to them about the themes.  You need to know the answer to why some things are wrong and other things are permissible.  Without this kind of engagement, our kids are left to figure out the maze of the virtual world, and with it, its themes, whichever form they come in.  And there are unfortunately some seriously scary ones.

Dis-respect of Women

I was overjoyed to be able to share, last Wednesday, to a group of public high school students here in the Tucson area.  My job; talk to the freshman boys about the problem with disrespecting there fellow female classmates.  I find it so ironic, that I get to do this.  All I can remember as a young boy was listening to heavy metal and thinking of how to get closer to the girls I was infatuated with at the time.  I was horrible, I think, from what I can remember.  I wrote nasty letters at times, and certainly had potty brain.  You know what that is right?  It’s when a young man’s brain can’t stop thinking about bad things with his female classmates.  So you can see how odd it was for me to share with the class.  But that was 30 years or so ago now.  Much has changed, and the 23 years of marriage I have experienced has been such a joy!
I was very excited to share my stories with the young men. But first I needed to get them off on the right footing.  Many don’t know about the women’s suffrage movement in North America or the lack of respect for women world wide that takes place today.  Statistics tell us that 1 out of 3 women in the world face violence or sexual violence at least once in there lifetime.  Even if the statistic was 1 out of 6, it’s horrible.  In the U.S. intimate partner violence between ages 16 and 24 experience the highest rage of violence, triple of the national average!  Campus assault studies estimate 1 our of 5 college women experience completed or attempted rape during their college years.  Way, way, way too much.  A study reported in New York Times that 1 in 5 adolescent girls become the victims of physical or sexual violence, or both, in a dating relationship!  Insane!
So as the world becomes more tolerant of many lifestyles, we still have a big problem with our hearts.  They suck.   They did years ago, and they still do.
So I asked these students what they thought it would be like to grow up in a culture where the odd’s are somewhat against them.  Many girls will be hit or sexually abused.  Don’t be too quick to blame things like porn for this.  For starters, porn has always been in the world.  Second, today’s technology maybe more to blame for the porn then anything else.  The young men could see the predicament girls are in.  It’s tough to be a young woman today, or any time in history!
As a kid I can recall some moments that my family is not too proud of, where violence happened.  We learned from it and are stronger people today.  But in the moment when watching violence against a mom, sister or girlfriend can be hard core traumatic.  Too many girls are vulnerable to this assault.
We learn from our families, friends, and entertainment culture don’t we.  I challenged the students where they get there ideas of girls from, and what ideas do these cultural teachers teach them!  What do we learn from our parents relationships.  Many do not enjoy one another.  And some even detest the other.  Even worse is when they show it through verbal assaults in public.
It was interesting to share with them what I had seen amongst friends in High School dating relationships.  Some were downright toxic.  So I wondered, “do the students that I was talking to have friends in toxic relationships as well?”  More than likely, a percentage do.
To challenge the kids on our culture, I read off a bit of Queen Latifah’s famous lyrics to U.N.I.T.Y.

Instinct leads me to another flow
Everytime I hear a brother call a girl a bitch or a ho
Trying to make a sister feel low

Many of the young men knew who she was.  Of course, they think of her as an actress and not so much as a rapper, like in my youth.  But they got the picture;  Queen Latifah had a message and it was if you disrespect me, I’m going to respond!  She was tough.  And I only wish that toughness was in more young ladies.
What many did not understand, was that lust is a form of disrespect.  Q.L. got it, but many young men don’t.  They think it’s OK to see a girl walking down the hall of there school and shout out what they want to do to them.  I understand, I did it too.  But what was wrong with me, was a heart issue, and that is what I shared with them is revealed in the young men who say what they say to the girl walking in the hall.  So it was my joy to let them know that when you disrespect a young woman, what you are declaring to the world is that you have an issue with your heart.  It’s corrupt, it’s evil, it is non-loving, it is selfish to it’s core and in order to change it, the first thing you need to do is see it for what it is.
My heart for these youth was that they understand the real danger underlying the disrespect of female students in there school or lives.  The real danger is that you can’t just turn off dis-respect. Selfish Lust in the human heart will not just go away when they find someone they really love!  There is no easy switch to turn it off or on, it is a learned behavior through family, friends, and culture that will not just vanish when you find someone you love.  One day I really wanted to love a person.  She was awesome, sweet, loyal, loving, kind, but I didn’t know how to be those things.  I wanted to be, but there was too much time of being educated in the ways of dis-respect that I was admittingly unable to go a different direction.  For me it took breaking up with her, and having to leave the state, just to be taught a different way for a time.  I needed to re-learn, a new education, and a new teacher.
I commend the school for having the opportunity for someone (let alone me) to share with the students.   This topic is so important.  When I have had the opportunity to go into the Jr. High schools, young ladies tell me that they are asked for nudes by there fellow boy classmates. This is a regular trend.  Lust has always been the human condition, but technology has made young men bold to ask.  Sexting it is called.  It is easy to do.  Snap a picture and send it.  Done.
What technology has done is made it very easy to fulfill lust in the heart.  Also, create a less risky condition that tempts us to give it a try.  For me to ask a girl for a picture of her nude in 1985 would have meant she needed to go find a camera, take a picture, go to get the film from a market and then hide it, and give it to me.  Way to risky for most, even with the lustful influences in our lives.
We are in constant growing pains with the technology today.  So fast does it come out that we can’t seem to socially figure out how to manage it before it takes it’s toll.  We have a human condition and a multitude of ways to express it.
Lastly, I shared that there is something that is forfeited when we give into lustful, dis-respecting inclinations.  It’s love.  And that is profound.  Because love is the best thing on this planet to experience and few experience it or much of it.  Too many do not know Love.  What examples of love do they have?  I encouraged them to find it, search for love.  It will be the best treasure hunt they will ever be on.  And if they do just that it will run them to no other person than Jesus, from the little country of Israel.  It did for me!  A love that is so compelling, so complete, so intense that I couldn’t rap my head around such love.
If we were all more like Him.

Why Pornography Thrives

A growing industry 

Economic pressure– The great risk of dating today.  Too much to loose in dating. Much to gain in staying single and focused on work.
Tolerance at all cost– Risk of offending is big in our culture.  Who wants to stand out as the intolerant one?
Moral relativism/Lack of critical thinking– There is no objective truth (yet that statement is an absolute!)
Evolution– We actually are products of random mutation over long periods of time.  I am a more knowledgeable monkey, so why not act like one?
Abortion/The Pill/Medicine– Technology gives rise to reckless behavior in hopes to cover up the biological consequences of sex and sexual anarchy.
Narcissism– The product of hyper economic competition plus survival of the fittest mentality, creates hyper individualism.  Why help another?
Hedonism– Pleasure at all cost to the other.  Sex makes us happy and therefore it is good to our culture.  It feels good!  The goal is to be happy, and sex produces it.
Religious education- “Don’t do that,” teaching only has moved the religious culture to pursue other means to find answers to intimate needs and desires.  It is very tough to share sexual thoughts or convictions within a religious community.  Safe to be secret and private.
Patriarchy– Men have been the leaders of objectifying and exploiting women.  Porn can be a product of how men see women.  We have been the teachers, leaders and disciples to women of the world of what they are good for and how we would like to treat them.
Womens liberation – There is a branch of feminism that is pro-porn and sees the adult industry as a way to pursue pleasure on there own terms.  Not only pleasure, but the ability to work in such a industry being an act of independents and equality with men.
I’ll arrange a sentence with all the subjects above and maybe it will give us a good understanding if it fits what we experience in this life.
Now we can!  We are animals, so why not go with the flow!  Relationships are hard and tiresome, it’s easier to do what I want.  I haven’t felt good in a long time.  I know it’s wrong to do that, but I cant say it really is wrong, is it?  It’s my right to do what I want with my sexuality!  Wow, that girl (guy) is hot I’d like to _______ her (him)!!!
I think we can all relate to some part of that short paragraph.
There are many issues to talk about when it comes to the issue of Pornography and why it thrives.  These certainly are not the only ones.   My blogs look into these topics a bit deeper and hope to create good dialog and thought, especial within the Christian culture.