(contributed by Katy Collins)
“Porn, believe it or not, is often a means of coping.” – Michael Todd Wilson (certified sex therapist and coach for Christian ministry leaders)
In this article written by Mr. Wilson for XXX Church, the last point he makes is to consider that your spouse is hurting, “…otherwise they wouldn’t be doing what they are doing in the first place” (www.xxxchurch.com). What a powerful truth, but honestly, one that goes ignored I’d say mostly out of an unwillingness or flat-out disbelief in its potential. The website acknowledges that while the more common circumstance is that the husband is found using porn, the opposite can be true as well. If you were to ask me and the other women involved in Running Light Ministries, we would sing a different tune.
Women are just as fallen as men.
This notion that ‘men are visual creatures,’ or that, ‘men always struggle with sexual integrity,’ and that ‘this is just a guy’s issue’ or that somehow we as a culture should sort of just expect this from the male species…this stuff is bogus, if you ask me. Not because these statements aren’t true. I think they probably are. But they’re incomplete. And they deliver a subsequently incomplete and immature view of reality. To be mature and fair, let’s just say, “People are visual creatures, people always struggle with sexual integrity, this is a humanity issue, and we can expect this to be a struggle in our sons’ and daughters’ lives.”
Women are just as fallen as men. Women like a good-looking man too. In fact, I was just watching a romantic movie recently by a well-named maker of these emotionally charged, what-would-it-be-like-if-my-man-was-Hollywood’s-definition-of-perfect, type movies and there was an entire scene dedicated to the guy having his shirt off. The characters even moved from one place to another, spending time in several different locations throughout the duration of the day and he remained topless the whole time. Now doesn’t this example make that, “men are visual creatures” statement a little more evidently incomplete?
Okay, but I’m beating a drum that Running Light has been sounding for years- women struggle just like men. So let’s move on to the quote that began this little blurb. Mr. Wilson’s last point was to consider that your spouse is hurting, or they wouldn’t be engaged in porn or sexual infidelity in the first place. This is often an ignored truth by the offended party, if I could use that term (meaning the ‘offender’ is the user/adulterer/adulteress, while the ‘offended’ is the one hurt by those things). And this act of ignoring may happen precisely because of the ‘offense’ that has taken up residency in his/her heart.
At least twice in the New Testament, God warns us of the destruction in harboring bitterness, calling it a poison and something that when allowed to take root springs up trouble and defiles us (Acts 8, Hebrews 12). But that bitterness, as comfortable of a friend as it may seem to be (and even righteous, as you consider the atrocities your spouse has been involved in), will destroy you. And from an offender’s point of view- Mr. Wilson’s quote is true.
Both my husband and I would say that we were not involved in what we were involved in because it was the joyful, peaceful, loving, happy, fulfilling, Christ-honoring thing to do. Instead, the actions stemmed from a lack within, the actions stem from pain. I believe we would do well, as a body of Christ, to pursue compassion in understanding that porn-users or adulterers are men and women with empty wells within them. This is not an excuse for the behavior. Sin is sin. But, don’t we aim to be like Jesus as we walk this earth? Then husband, consider that your wife is just fallen and broken and needs the love of God to invade her heart again. And wife, consider that your husband is empty and lonely and needs to be redeemed by the love of His Savior once more. Isn’t this the very way our God reacts toward us?
Just listen to these truths from the book of Hosea, the book where God compared His people to a harlot-
“…And went after her lovers, but Me she forgot…”
“Therefore, behold I will allure her… I will betroth you to Me forever…”
“For I desire mercy and not sacrifice…”
“O, Israel, you are destroyed, but your help is from Me. I will be your King.”
“I will ransom them from the power of the grave; I will redeem them from death.”
“I will heal their backsliding, I will love them freely.”
Let us pursue the One who promises healing, instead of the emptiness of coping with our pain in our own way. Brother or sister presently caught in the snare of sexual sin, we are here for you. Turn from it, connect with us at Running Light, and move toward freedom. You can, Christ will redeem you, and true joy can be found again.
– The RLM team (guys and girls, alike)