Lasting Marital Intimacy into Your 40’s and Beyond!

by Beau Ouellette
I have heard or read somewhere that married couples who are in
their 40’s and 50’s enjoy sex most!
The cool thing is that I am 41 now and have been married 20 +
years to the girl of my dreams!  I always heard that as we got older we
would no longer kiss long, embrace passionately or that when we did have sex
together, it would be so infrequent, like the dripping of a faucet. It was as
if they were telling us that we’d still be doing it but it would be more
annoying than anything!
I’d like to tell you how far that is from the truth of my life
and it can be with yours too!  
In my study in the Song of Solomon, I find in Chapter 5 a bit of
a fight between the husband and wife and then in chapter 6 they makeup. We see
there is wonderful affirmation of their love for one another and that
affirmation travels on into chapter 7.  I see a pattern here that I have
seen in my own marriage.  There are certainly times of arguing in a
marriage, yet there can also be wonderful times of making up. (They goal is
never to makeup with our spouse for sex, yet sex is a wonderful benefit of
making up!)
How does sex stay awesome for 20+ years?  
First there are practical things that both my wife and I have
done as we have aged.  Eating well is one of them.  Working out is
another.  We both understand that our bodies are not our own.  First
they are the Lord’s (1st Cor 6:19-29) and our job is to glorify God with them.  When
I was a kid I used to take care of people’s houses at times when they were out
of town.  I had to feed their dog, sweep, and mow the lawns for them.
 It was their house, yet I was stewarding over it for a bit.  My body
is God’s, I am to steward over it knowing the owner will one day be home. That
day is coming soon and He will come to take full ownership of it.  I would
hate to have the owner come back and see the results of ice cream every night!
 Yikes!  So both of us believe strongly that our bodies are the
Lord’s and in order to glorify God we use temperance in what we eat and drink.
The second truth that we hold on to is found in 1st Cor 7:4,
“The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does” and
vice versa.  So we believe our bodies are each other’s. If my wife is the
commander of my body sexually then I want to make sure my tools are in good
working order for her to utilize.  When I put these passages together I
see that when my heart is for God and in turn for my wife, I will begin the
process of disciplining my life to honor God with my body and be ready to be
used by my spouse.
There are things that get in the way of having my heart on these
things.  Selfish things.  Self-gratifying things.  Porn &
food are two of them.  But there are many ‘things’ out there that cause
distraction from the two vital areas that need to be in my scope.
Lust finds its way into our lives through various avenues.
 For some it is food, and in turn they ‘let themselves go.’  At my
age I start seeing this more and more. For others it’s pornography that they
get into.   But what I have come to see is that lust is the enemy of a
long and lasting sex life.  Lust by its fleshly nature is not satisfied.
 So even lusting your wife or husband will not give you a long shelf life.
 Lust must be replaced by love.
“Love does not seek it’s own!”  (1st Cor 13:5)
When partaking of the self-gratification of indulging in porn or
food I am not stewarding my body to glorify it’s owner, God, nor am I focused
on presenting a well-oiled machine to my spouse, the authoritarian over it.
 And what happens is I find my pleasure, now, in my own self. A life that
is consistently given over to the self way will get to the place where nothing
else will satisfy you but yourself.  Instead of wanting sex from your wife,
you will want to satisfy yourself.  She will no longer be able to satisfy
you because you haven’t set aside your tools for her.
Sex is a blast, and at 40 there is something even more fun about
being intimate than at 20.  I find that my body at times does not
cooperate as well as it once did, yet I also find other ways of appreciating my
wife in the sexual context.  I am overjoyed that my beloved desires to
give me a body (hers) that is beautiful!  Her heart is on me, and that
alone is so passionate.  I know that in time her body will fall apart, and
mine too, yet I think what I can grasp at this point in life is that within the
sexual context of marriage there is so much more that is stimulating than just
the physical stimulation, like when we were 20!
For those of you that are my age you know what it was like when
you were in your 20′s being married!  There was no 1st base, 2nd base, 3rd
base; it was just home run after home run!  But more and more now I see
how wonderful 1st base is, and 2nd base etc… There is so much to enjoy rounding
those bases I realize now.
Walking in the mall together never meant so much to me as it
does today.  I find myself checking her out all the time!  I love
hugging her and smelling her, looking at her teeth, lips, hair, and beautiful eyes.
 Today those looks move me and seem to collect in a jar until the time we
are alone in our marriage bed to then be opened with it’s fragrance widely
overcoming my brain.  I love this girl!  She’s the best, and she is
mine and I am hers.
Physical sex will pass at some point (when the body gives out),
but passion…never.  Sex has become not just physical, but intellectual and
spiritual to me. Good, lasting sex starts with seeing things rightly.  You
are God’s.  Your wife has authority over your body.  Try moving away
from the lust paradigm into love. Seek your pleasure in the pleasure of your
spouse.   And when you are a vessel of agape love, passion is there.
 God’s passion for us never stops.  ”Your thoughts toward us cannot
be recounted to You in order…They are more than can be numbered.” (Psalm 40:5)