Sex and Identity my way!

Posted on July 1, 2015 by RLAdmin

(post by Beau Ouellette)

With the advent of video sites (i.e. youtube, vimeo etc…) we can watch practically anything we want. There is no doubt that along with the internet in general, these sites have changed so much of the way we used to do things even just 15 years ago! Now when my daughter needs to get a project done at school, she just goes on youtube to learn more, watch how things are done, and figure it out. Or I think of how these video sites have changed how I make decisions about taking the car to a mechanic or doing the job myself. If the clip I watch seems too complicated then off to the shop the automobile goes, I won’t mess with it!

But the question rises- have video sites, specifically pornography video sites changed the way young people feel about their sexuality? Has watching hours and hours of porn set in motion certain, specified sexual cravings that can lead to the way a person sees themselves and their desired partner?

I believe that more than any other time in history pornography is being viewed at massive levels. Therefore, when I read sociologists, like Professor Mark Regnerus’, material it is bound to continue to be eye opening information (even as every other thing he has written has been). We all know that the statistics tell us that students from Jr. High to College watch tons of porn. During educational presentations at local Jr. High schools concerning internet safety, I ask how many have seen pornography on the internet, and all raise their hands (maybe one does not).

“During church camp we ask our young men the same question, and every kid acknowledges that they have watched porn and struggle with doing so.” (youth leader)

I have been in student ministry for 21 years. It has only been in the past 8 years (I write this in 2015), that internet porn has become such a hit with students, and only the past couple years that I have seen more and more high schoolers wondering about their sexual identity. Could this be the result of the kinds of pornography accessible, and so easily?

My own opinion is this:

Today’s pornography sites (video sites) give the watcher access for free to whatever kind of porn they would like to watch. For those like me who were not raised on internet pornography, most of what is now available seems kind of nasty to me. However, there are plenty of delicacies to watch that spark what I saw as a child, and they will stir up arousal to what I might consider nasty now. As a young kid, seeing girls in bikinis excited me. Once in a blue moon I would find a porn mag (playboy) and see a full naked girl! Wow she was amazing!

Now, can you imagine a 13-year old moving from what we might consider ‘normal’ to watching a video exposing him to male ejaculation, regularly? Or male on male ejaculation, male orgies, women drinking male fluids, women urinating, and even bestiality! As Professor Robert Jensen from the School of Journalism at the University of Texas at Austin has written and spoken about extensively, the society that allows such sexual behavior to be freely watched by all (especially young minds), has to be questioned a bit. And he does do a good job in his book, Getting Off (Soft Skull Press, 2009).

“Pornography is a mirror of the way this culture hates women and children, which is why it is important that we look at it, honestly.”

Professor Jensen’s writing is really honest and brings to light questions for all of us to think through and act on.

So the point is evident: young people, not just boys, are watching pornography and through video sites have free access to all kinds of porn. Because of this, over watched media has an affect on how they engage in sexuality. To think that viewing pornography from such an early age does not have an affect on one’s thinking is crazy! Think of it this way- pornography video sites is today’s sex education for many, many young people. But the scary thing is what are they being taught?

This is why I have always thought that pornography should be regulated better on the internet. I have written about that elsewhere. https://runninglight.wordpress.com/2012/03/20/a-response-to-santorums-comments-on-banning-pornography-from-me-a-christian/

Just think of students watching weekly, even daily, all kinds of pornography! Like us all, there are some things that will shock them, and they will turn away, but others will find that arousing, exciting, and adventurous! Gay porn, straight porn, multiple partners porn, wife swapping porn, mom porn, incest porn etc… it’s all there! I can only imagine that this form of education gives way to more and more viewers to contemplate what ‘food at the buffet’ they prefer, thus defining what sexuality they are. It is a question that I ponder, “do today’s vide-sharing pornography sites influence how young people view their own sexuality?” Pornography viewing is like looking at a person’s heart. It’s what they like or what they find exciting to them. And all of us given the time, will find something on these sites that will arouse!

My own thinking is that all humans are lustful, and today’s pornography sites give us a foundation to anchor our lust to.

But does it also influence what gender a person thinks they are? Can viewing pornography encourage one to start thinking they want to be a polygamist or a polyandrist? Could pornography education be the tool to help us figure out if we are bi-, homo-, or hetero-sexual (or the many obscure ones…gerontosexuality etc…)? Another question I have asked is- has this kind of sexual education paved the way for the culture at large to begin questioning the traditional, husband and wife model of marriage? As young people learn more and more about fetishes of all kinds, they can begin to think they too desire that for themselves. The traditional husband and wife does not fit that model. Does porn education confirm what your sexual identity is, or does it influence us to go into a direction we might have never thought of? Or both!

In light of my questions, I am not shocked by our current culture with re-defining marriage or the accepting of certain sexual preferences. But the logical conclusion I come to is that we will also have to question why can’t a young man marry an old man, or one woman marry multiple men at some point. These are things that the young culture has seen in pornography video sites for years and years now. It’s not weird at all, it is life, normal, and who is to judge that? How can you judge someone watching incest porn, when I watch elderly porn, or orgies? Who are you (figuratively) to judge the type of porn I like? Could this kind of thinking influence a generation so much, that it as it becomes older sexual traditions are seen as ancient and in need of re-definition? (i.e. marriage)

I don’t know the answers to my own questions, but I certainly am curious to read more on these topics.

From my own eyes and mind, I see there is a lust in us that pornography simply pulls out. It’s not that this lust in not in us without porn, but if our lust is a dart then porn is just another target for the dart to hit. The interesting thing to me is that the variety of sexual colors is vast! And how that influences fully, we shall see. Young boy wanting to be a girl? Young girl wanting to be a boy? Or maybe they can be both, as there is pornography for that too (“shemale”).

Sexuality has become another way for personal self-fulfillment in life. Sex & idenity my way! Being raised on these video sites has made way for the possibility of massive sexual experimentation and self indulgence (as if we know what is best for us regarding our sexuality). What will be the ramifications of this?

Stay tuned to a culture near you!

Porn: The Cure?

Posted on June 22, 2015 by RLAdmin

(contributed by Katy Collins)

“Porn, believe it or not, is often a means of coping.” – Michael Todd Wilson (certified sex therapist and coach for Christian ministry leaders)

In this article written by Mr. Wilson for XXX Church, the last point he makes is to consider that your spouse is hurting, “…otherwise they wouldn’t be doing what they are doing in the first place” (www.xxxchurch.com). What a powerful truth, but honestly, one that goes ignored I’d say mostly out of an unwillingness or flat-out disbelief in its potential. The website acknowledges that while the more common circumstance is that the husband is found using porn, the opposite can be true as well. If you were to ask me and the other women involved in Running Light Ministries, we would sing a different tune.

Women are just as fallen as men.

This notion that ‘men are visual creatures,’ or that, ‘men always struggle with sexual integrity,’ and that ‘this is just a guy’s issue’ or that somehow we as a culture should sort of just expect this from the male species…this stuff is bogus, if you ask me. Not because these statements aren’t true. I think they probably are. But they’re incomplete. And they deliver a subsequently incomplete and immature view of reality. To be mature and fair, let’s just say, “People are visual creatures, people always struggle with sexual integrity, this is a humanity issue, and we can expect this to be a struggle in our sons’ and daughters’ lives.”

Women are just as fallen as men. Women like a good-looking man too. In fact, I was just watching a romantic movie recently by a well-named maker of these emotionally charged, what-would-it-be-like-if-my-man-was-Hollywood’s-definition-of-perfect, type movies and there was an entire scene dedicated to the guy having his shirt off. The characters even moved from one place to another, spending time in several different locations throughout the duration of the day and he remained topless the whole time. Now doesn’t this example make that, “men are visual creatures” statement a little more evidently incomplete?

Okay, but I’m beating a drum that Running Light has been sounding for years- women struggle just like men. So let’s move on to the quote that began this little blurb. Mr. Wilson’s last point was to consider that your spouse is hurting, or they wouldn’t be engaged in porn or sexual infidelity in the first place. This is often an ignored truth by the offended party, if I could use that term (meaning the ‘offender’ is the user/adulterer/adulteress, while the ‘offended’ is the one hurt by those things). And this act of ignoring may happen precisely because of the ‘offense’ that has taken up residency in his/her heart.

At least twice in the New Testament, God warns us of the destruction in harboring bitterness, calling it a poison and something that when allowed to take root springs up trouble and defiles us (Acts 8, Hebrews 12). But that bitterness, as comfortable of a friend as it may seem to be (and even righteous, as you consider the atrocities your spouse has been involved in), will destroy you. And from an offender’s point of view- Mr. Wilson’s quote is true.

Both my husband and I would say that we were not involved in what we were involved in because it was the joyful, peaceful, loving, happy, fulfilling, Christ-honoring thing to do. Instead, the actions stemmed from a lack within, the actions stem from pain. I believe we would do well, as a body of Christ, to pursue compassion in understanding that porn-users or adulterers are men and women with empty wells within them. This is not an excuse for the behavior. Sin is sin. But, don’t we aim to be like Jesus as we walk this earth? Then husband, consider that your wife is just fallen and broken and needs the love of God to invade her heart again. And wife, consider that your husband is empty and lonely and needs to be redeemed by the love of His Savior once more. Isn’t this the very way our God reacts toward us?

Just listen to these truths from the book of Hosea, the book where God compared His people to a harlot-

“…And went after her lovers, but Me she forgot…”

“Therefore, behold I will allure her… I will betroth you to Me forever…”

“For I desire mercy and not sacrifice…”

“O, Israel, you are destroyed, but your help is from Me. I will be your King.”

“I will ransom them from the power of the grave; I will redeem them from death.”

“I will heal their backsliding, I will love them freely.”

Let us pursue the One who promises healing, instead of the emptiness of coping with our pain in our own way. Brother or sister presently caught in the snare of sexual sin, we are here for you. Turn from it, connect with us at Running Light, and move toward freedom. You can, Christ will redeem you, and true joy can be found again.

– The RLM team (guys and girls, alike)

Redeemed- a journal entry

Posted on April 1, 2015 by RLAdmin

A writing from my journal…

I do know this- I held a yoke of great burden; my sin and accompanying shame nearly crushed me. The weight of it too heavy to bear at times. And I sat there- crumpled, bleeding, covered in the remnants of lust given into, crying, and even dry-heaving from the great shame. Then at times I sat silent as dry bones, eyes gazing into nothing- dead inside………. and there You bought me.

You went to the Punisher who owned the shackles I was in and you paid for me. The reality of that transaction was like this-

As I sat out front, hands bound and heart the same, you were taken behind the building and in the alleyway you were beaten, brutalized and punished. Each blow, each rip, each spewing cussing hate-filled slew was supposed to be mine. I was sitting in my shame pit awaiting my punishment. But you were paying for me.

When they were done they left. You remained, crouched in the alley, barely breathing. The torturers left you to die. And you did …. You did. You crumpled and fell, your blood hit the ground, the dirt and your sweat and tears mingled, but…… you did it for me.

I sat out front, still desperately lost in despair, unaware of the fare you had paid. . .

Then the wind blew, and the trees whispered and you breathed again. Because you came back to life, because their whipping and beating and punishing didn’t forever hold you down, you had completely paid my debt.

In truth, my lusts led me into their captivity. My shame and what I owed because of it kept me there. But that very moment that you inhaled again, you set. me. free. I didn’t know it yet, but eternally I had been won back, I had been purchased.

Redeemed.

You stood now without pain, though the scars remained. You brushed off the dust of the alley and you stepped forward. The torturers had been carousing inside, drinking in their win and gloating at still owning me. But you walked by and through a ratty, cloth-covered window they watched as the beaten-one passed by, wounds but no blood. Victorious.

“He’s alive,” they whispered. And in that they realized the consequence, “She is free…”

You rounded the building, triumphant, with joy flowing from you. You did it all for me, to have me. I had gone astray, far and away, yet for great joy to have me again at your side of love, you came after me.

My back was toward you, I didn’t know you had come. Tears happened to be streaming down my cheeks and I silently sobbed remembering, hating myself.

Your hand was all of a sudden warm and strong on my shoulder. The love it brought nearly seared me- somewhere within me I wondered, ‘How do I receive this when my entire being writhes in self-disgust?’ But the tenderness remained. You didn’t speak. You waited. Your love is patient and gentle.

I began to trail my finger through the dirt I sat in, contemplating your love offer, but going through the mental gyrations of how you could not possibly be truly offering it. ‘I am damaged goods. I am forever stained’ I argued. Sitting just behind me, with one hand still solidly on my shoulder you showed me the other one.

Your wrist bore deep marks of having been bound, yourself. Your spirit whispered to mine, “I have paid for it all. I paid for you. It’s done, dear one.”

We must’ve sat there still for hours more, my inward self just couldn’t, wouldn’t believe, but eventually your love crept in. Eventually the dirt got cold and hard beneath me and the warmth of your hand and the love you held out to me warmer still.

Slowly I got it. Slowly I saw it all- you behind the building, you taking every hit, every hate, every bit of my awful fate. You did it. You did do it. You really paid for me.

Still dirty, not all of a sudden clean, yet more willing to believe you, my hand began to rise. It moved from my lap, across my body to settle on yours upon my shoulder; I gripped your fingers and a new tear fell-

Redeemed.

I didn’t have chains around my wrists and ankles anymore. I hadn’t noticed but the moment you breathed again they disintegrated. They disappeared and my own wounds began to heal. As I began to stand and turn into you my rags fell. The ground was littered with my past shames, dirtiness, ugliness, fears, doubts and ripped soul. Simultaneously, you robed me in the softest, purest, gentlest cloth ever made. This gauzy glowing dress was called righteousness.

Finally standing, fully facing you, even my feet now glowed with cleanliness and purity. The dirt was far beneath them. My hands were now in yours, our arms bent and between us, our faces only inches apart and you smiled. Without speaking you said to me, “Come away with Me now, My beloved.”

I am Redeemed.

(works of art by Kelly O’Neill, http://theartistoflife.com/paintings-with-purpose/)

A young Christian woman’s story of lust- and the way out!

Posted on February 21, 2015 by RLAdmin

I’ve never had sex. I’ve managed to wait. If you know me, you may think I’ve never struggled

with sex. I’ve never had sex with a man, I’m very modest and shy as well. God’s blessed me

with holding onto my virginity for the right man, at least physically. My mind, however, is very

polluted, and it’s not something I’ve told a lot of people, until now.

During high school and early twenties, I didn’t think about sex much and didn’t have the desire

to, really. The rare times I did masturbated (or self-gratification as I will call it), I didn’t know

the name for it or that is was using God’s temple for my self-gain. That all changed when I

started to read porn.

In my late teens, I started to read fan-fiction. These are stories that fans write, using characters

from popular books, TV shows, or other media. They can range from where the last show or

book ended to people creating new stories using old characters. In my early twenties, I

stumbled across sexually explicit stories. I was curious, not having talked about sex in detail

with anyone, so I wanted to learn more. I learned a lot of detail of sex between men and

women. From then on, I was hooked.

With the reading came more lustful thoughts about men I found attractive, and many of the

stories I read led to self-gratification on a regular basis. Much of the self-gratification came

with thoughts of men within the church, the stories I read, or the stories I’d imagine in my

mind.

As time went on the stories became more graphic, as I wanted to know more about sex. I soon

started reading homosexual and orgy stories, feeding my desire for lust.

Eventually, I found this wasn’t enough to quench my thirst. I wanted to see what men really

liked naked, I wanted to see what sex looked like to without actually having it. I held onto my

grip on staying pure (again physically) until I was married. This desire led me to looking up

pictures, and that curiosity led to watching porn to.

I watched something that I never thought I’d want to see or even like. I was hooked. I liked the

fact that I now had a sex drive too. I couldn’t wait to get married and use this new found desire

with my husband. I would lust after him too without thinking of putting him first.

Near the end of me watching porn, regular self-gratification wasn’t enough, so I bought

vibrators to ‘help’. I even bought lube and vibrators on-line so no one would know.

This watching and reading of porn all went on while I was in my early to mid-twenties. I

watched porn, lusted, and self-gratified, and no one knew about it. It was my secret sin. I felt

so much shame over it. I’d wake up, self-gratify, go to church, and go home to watch or read

porn. I did it all the while I was saying I was a Christian, but I wasn’t living it.

I felt so alone in my sin too. I’d hear things at church like, ‘Men if you struggle with porn …’ This

led me to think I was only woman who watched porn. I was dirty and marked and felt very

much alone. This was until I heard of an accountability group for women that someone started.

I was so excited to hear this because I knew what I was doing was wrong, I was sinning against

God. I wanted freedom from this secret I had.

When I went for the first time and told the other women, I was scared. They’d know of the

awful, shameful things I did. I found something different than shame. I found I wasn’t the only

woman who watched porn or self-gratified. Better yet, I found Jesus loved me the way I was-a

lustful person who was so dirty inside-he loved her. Soon after joining the group, I was able to

stop watching and reading porn. I got rid of the vibrators and lube, but the scars of my life

watching porn still remain.

I still lust after men in the church. I still self-gratify. But I also have Jesus running after me.

He’s going after my heart, even though I’m filled with lust, even though I think I should act out

of my sexual desires because it’s so freeing, but Jesus is better.

I am a women who deals with lust and porn, but I have a Jesus who loves me. If you’re a

struggling woman, know that you aren’t alone and Jesus wants you. He wants all of us as

women. He wants our hearts and minds and our sex lives. I’m so glad that I found him. Who

knows where I would’ve gone if I hadn’t. He’s brought me out of my bondage, and hasn’t given

up on cleaning out my mind and heart of what remands. I owe all to him.

For women in Tucson that need a group of like minded ladies that struggle with lust and desire to seek Christ together for help, please visit us!

Women’s accountability group

Sex
porn
masturbation
Loneliness
Romance Novels

There is no shame, all ages, married and singles
Read:
https://runninglight.wordpress.com/2012/02/18/not-just-every-mans-battle/

You aren’t alone in your struggle!

2nd and 4th Thursdays, 6:30, at Calvary Christian Fellowship of Tucson, AZ 3875 N. Business Center Dr. 85705

Why does she not want to have sex with me?

Posted on February 15, 2015 by RLAdmin

I am reminded to Love my wife all the time when reading in the New Testament. Specifically Ephesians 5:25 and Colossians 3:19. Such an important reminder for us!

We live in world of hatred against women.

An estimated 150 million girls under the age of 18 suffered some form of sexual violence in 2002 alone.
Approximately 130 million girls and women in the world have experienced female genital mutilation/cutting,with more than 3 million girls in Africa annually at risk of the practice.
In the United States, 83 percent of girls aged 12 to 16 experienced some form of sexual harassment in public schools.
One study in Europe found that 60 percent of trafficked women had experienced physical and/or sexual violence before being trafficked, pointing to gender-based violence as a push factor in the trafficking of women.

Sex addiction brings about a selfishness like no other. Constant self gratifying through masturbation to porn or extra marital sex develops a lust within the marriage bed. It’s so unfortunate, but true. For some of us, it has been many many years of constant self gratification to sexual images or people, that truth be told, has made us awful people to be around. Bottom line is we are selfish children, in constant need of what we crave!

One of the worst manifestations of this ugly behavior is when a man (or woman) is finding freedom from repetitive self gratification through affairs or pornography and thinks that he is in the right, able to through his weight around. Many times this behavior shows itself by a man thinking he can now lead properly (like he knows everything now that he has some freedom)!

But could it be that as we become free from a habitual behavior that there is a every lingering deeper sin, that continues to erode our hearts? Lust works in the heart and mind of a man. This sin does not care if you watch pornography or not; commit physical adultery or not! For it does not need such depraved imagery or action to win it’s war on you.

Do not live in passion of Lust, like the non-believers, who do not know God. 1st Thess 4:5

Therefore, prepare your minds for action, keep sober in spirit, fix your hope completely on the grace to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. 14As obedient children, do not be conformed to the former lusts which were yours in your ignorance,… 1st Peter 1:13-14

Lust thrives within a man. We get that.

For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, fornication, murders, 22 thefts, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, lewdness, an evil eye, blasphemy, pride, foolishness.23 All these evil things come from within and defile a man.” Mark 7:21-22

Lust fruit is seen in this list, right?

We can become so easily deceived in recovery can’t we! This shows itself often when we have hurt our spouses do to our sexual immorality and instead of a repentance that leads us to a godly sorrow that shows itself in a humility, we continue to think we have the answers. “Hey homey why don’t you want to have sex with me? I was reading in the Scriptures that your body is mine, and I need to have sex now, is that OK please?” But the answer comes back, “no, I do not want to.” And the reason you might ask? Maybe her heart is broken, sore, bitter, angered, or just numb.

As a man I have to ask something honest in my heart; Do I care so much about my sexual appetite that I can throw off what my spouse is feeling? Would I self gratify to her knowing that she is in such a shaky emotional condition? (I say self gratifying because she would not be mentally or emotionally engaged in the sex, but acting more like a prostitute who is waiting for the event to be over.) Have we men become so abased as to think of covenant partners as prostitutes to meet our sexual needs? Heaven forbid!

Do nothing (sex) through selfish ambition or vain conceit Phil 2:3

We need not just to be free from pornography or adultery, but we need the greater work of a heart change that only God can do! So we are to seek it daily before the Lord.

You might say, “well if I don’t have sex with my wife I am going to commit adultery again or watch pornography again!” And my answer would be to read Galatians 5:22-23….but the fruit of the Spirit is love….patience, kindness….self-control.

Are you long-suffering (patient and long-suffering are words that are interchangeable) with your wife as she is suffering?

You see, in the Torah (1st 5 books of the Bible), in ancient Israel, the consequences for adultery or sexual immorality (un-lawful sexual intercourse…incest, bestiality, homosexuality etc… see Lev 18) would be death! For to commit these acts it would be a capital crime deserving of the death penalty. Why? Because sex is violent. If you allow un-lawful sexual relations to run rampant in a society, then over time the society would grow corrupt? Why….because that is the nature of lust! Lust corrupts love. Sex is not about me! It is about honoring God, the creator of it.

Sex laws are need and were need in days of old to restrain the lust of men.

So think of it this way men…are you patient with your wife while she is suffering concerning your adultery or sexual immorality? You deserve death in the Torah, yet in mercy we have been given life. Divorce is deserved by many of us, but our wives have put up with us. Do you now see our position? In the Law of Moses (Torah) we would not be here anymore. We would have been convicted of a crime, sentence to see the judge in a court of law, tried, convicted, sentenced, then put to death.

Our spouses would be free to remarry.

So are you patient with your spouse who is hurting inside? Do you see now how lust still threads the heart within us, preventing our hearts from being free from it’s tight wounded knot? There is so much more that we need to have done then just stopping the action. We need the Spirit of God to change our actions, how we talk, touch, speak, and how we have sex.

Are you kind? Do you snap at your wife when she says she is struggling and is not ready to be intimate with you? What does it say when we get mad at our spouse for not ‘putting out’ when we have been so horrible to them for years? We are so rapped up in self that we can’t see the light through a doctor is shining it’s light directly in our eye! How black our hearts can be!

Jer 17:9 The heart of man is deceitfully wicked.

Take this to the bank- An double minded man is unstable in all his ways (James 1:8)

Sex should be a place where it is used to fight against the temptations of the outside world (1st Cor 7:5). But we have to remember, this scripture and desire of the Apostle Paul was not intended to be used as a blunt instrument on a spouse when adultery has been committed! Again, in Paul’s mind as a bright Jewish teacher would have been that you commit adultery…you die (as in the OT) or divorce (as in the New). And if we look at 1st Cor 6:9 to the rest of the chapter we see that Paul, there, is talking about those who practice such things that we are talking about here; Adultery, sexual immorality. In contrast, 1st Cor 7 is for those that struggle with being sexual as a single person, so Paul encourages them to marry and stay intimate with each other.

But for us who have committed adulterer or sexual immorality, we know that our spouses have been so merciful on us. God has showed us mercy through their mercy on us. They have fulfilled the scripture in James 2:13; Mercy triumphs over judgement.

In light of this mercy, should we not have self-control? Is this not the will of God for our lives?

For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; 4 that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, 5 not in passion of lust, like the Gentiles who do not know God; 1st Thess 4:3-5

We need to learn to posses our own bodies as giving them to God as a living sacrifice (Romans 12:1-2)

We need to crucify the flesh with it’s passions (Gal 5:24)

Therefore put to death your members which are on the earth: fornication, uncleanness, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. 6 Because of these things the wrath of God is coming upon the sons of disobedience, 7 in which you yourselves once walked when you lived in them. (Col 3:5-7)

In order to do this the Spirit empowers us with self control. Ask God daily for this fruit. Humility will come along with it. No longer will you get mad at your spouse, for you’ll know that she is in pain, and sex no longer will be that important, for you now are learning to love her. Maybe for the first time ever in your life you are learning this. But oh, this is the road less traveled, this is the way of Christ, the picking up of our cross and following Him! We are now becoming the servant of all, not the one needing to be served. And who does that sound like?

To conclude. I want to share two mp3’s that you can listen to that I think will help this message sink in your hearts.

We are all learning. All growing and being transformed into the image of Jesus. This is no small work. If it seems tough…it is…but remember, what is impossible with man, is possible with God! He’s that good!

A love problem

Posted on December 22, 2014 by RLAdmin

The more I go on in life I realize that the number one problem that I have is a lack of love. This reality speaks to me over and over, and brings me to my knees before God. Does it you too?

I am blessed to officiate many weddings over my 20yr. pastorate. During one section of the wedding I will read from 1st Corinthians chapter 13.

Love is patient, love is kind…it does not seek it’s own.

Oh, my heart suffers shipwreck when I read that later part! “Love does not seek it’s own.”

This is wear my struggle against lustful desires comes to the light! Porn lust seeks it’s own. There has never been a time that I have sought porn out for the benefit of others. Let me put this even more personal; I never viewed pornography to benefit my family, wife, kids, parents, in laws, or friends. Every single time it has been a selfish gratification.

There is no doubt that pornography viewing and it’s self gratification has caused numerous pain, and yet though much attention has become the topic, the market for it continues to grow. There is always the new generation that has not felt the gravity of it’s destruction plus the industry is incredibly technologically smart as to ways of getting into our homes!

Through cable, satellite, Xbox, Roku, Netflix, Hulu there are levels and ways for us to become tempted to search for more and more hard core material until we once again get back on the internet and search for the real deal.

In order to gain victory over such a vast army, we must learn of the greatness of Love and it’s betterment. Without seeing love as a treasure, we will succumb to substitutes easily.

Can you see the fruits of the lack of love in your life? Can it be that maybe you lust others and not love them?

My answers are yes & most certainly it can be that I have traded love for lust. What a moral loss.

With every relationship that we have love becomes a question doesn’t it? Do I continue to love them? When is it ok to not love?

Getting to the root cause of our lust is a beautiful education. I have not because I have asked not in so many relationships. Ask for love! That’s my prayer today. Dad, I need your love, to love others. For I know now more than ever that if I do not have his love, then I am left with my own version, which is really no love at all, but a lust to use others for my own prosperity.

In a broad sense this is the porn of love. This love apart from God is a distorted love, as porn is a distortion of what sexual relationships are supposed to be about. Whenever I choose lust over love, I have chosen porn. Porn to me becomes an idiom. When thinking of the word porn like this, there becomes a vivid, picture in my mind of what choosing lust is like. And this doesn’t just go with sexual temptation, but every kind. Eating, working out, sports, studying etc… all things can be done in a loving way or in a porn way.

And thinking this way does another thing as well; I see all sins as choosing the lessor. It’s all porn!

So one might be caught viewing porn on the computer, yet one might get caught eating Oreo cookies though there 50+lbs overweight.

Though I do acknowledge that sexual sin has a greater destructive nature in a relationship, I see the principle that lust is committed on both occasions, the porn viewer and the over eater. Both have a problem with love.

Yet another might not even be into pornography yet is wrapped up is his own religious pride and uses it as a hammer to nail down those who are not so holy. His religion is simply his self gratification.

Love does not seek it’s own at the expense of others.

The only way to love properly it would seem is to have another to focus on when thinking and relating to others. And this is what the Bible gives us! “Whatever you do, do to the glory of God!” That’s it! I have the instruction of where I need to place my mind when relating to others. So when I think of my wife, I re-focus on honoring God in how I treat her. Same with my kids. I do not do things for them for their sake, but for the honor of God’s sake I relate to them the way I do. And so on.

For it to be Love there must be a focus, first on God, and His love for us, and then and only then are we able to see people and relate to people in a Biblical, “love does not seek it’s own, way. I don’t think I could love people correctly (Biblically) if I did not understand love; Could I?

By now I believe we all would say we have a love problem, and the remedy is growing our knowledge of God’s love. This understanding would help us not to judge wrongly especially in a marriage when both people need desperately to develop a better understanding and implementing of the Love of God. If this would happen, then mercy would be much more prevalent in marriages. For without mercy there can be no restoration, no grace.

Another thought is this; Is there a time where we are not to love our spouses, family, kids, etc…?

When can love cease?

I am told God’s loving mercy for me never ceases! Oh, wow, how blessed I am to hear that! I need that kind of mercy for sure. Do you?

The never ending love of God compels me to continue to fight the desires that want to go astray daily! When I fall, this love moves me to get back up. It is a love filled with mercy and long-suffering or patience.

For some of you the desires might be fighting porn daily, as I have for a long time. But over the time of fighting I have found underneath that pornography battle was a greater battle. It was the battle of whether to love or not.

I am in that fight today, are you?

Why Self-Gratification is not good. Another View point (Adults only)

Posted on November 13, 2014 by RLAdmin

The only one who is to touch my body, to arouse it, should be my wife!

I had this idea while eating some Phu (Vietnamese oup http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pho) with my wife the other day. We were talking about our intimacy together (we do that often) and as the conversation went, She made a comment concerning that I would be the only one that would touch her, and that included herself! At the moment I didn’t think much of it. But later in that day, as I was reading the Chapter on Lust in “The Exemplary Husband” by Stuart Scott (A book I’ve read many times), something hit me in the face.

I read the quoted passage from Jesus in the Sermon on the Mount about lusting after a women being adultery, and that’s when I had the Epiphany! My wife should be on the only one to arouse my body! And that includes me too!!! Wow, isn’t that what self-gratification is, my self arousing myself!

Why is that so bad?

Love!

Love does not seek it’s own, at the expense of another. And this is why it is wrong. If I use my own hand to arouse myself then I will find that my wife’s hand will not suffice! And man that speaks to me. My wife is to have me, and the Apostle Paul spoke of this in 1st Corinthians chapter 7 saying, “Men, your bodies are not your own, but your wife’s.” She is the one who has entered into a all exclusive covenant with me. And that means that not even I am to replace her right over my body. So there is a cost to self gratifying. The cost is to my wife. As I self gratify (or visa versa) I am finding satisfaction in another, though it be me.

The consequences to this are horrible. You don’t want to have sex with your wife anymore, because you can do it better! In a sense, you become married to yourself! Sex with your wife will not be about togetherness but simply about getting off. This leads to making your wife (or visa versa) do things, “your way” as to reach that satisfaction you get with yourself. I wrote in my book, Porn and A Pastor, that those of us into pornography would rather watch porn than be with our spouses anyway. It’s one of the saddest sentences in the book for sure. Countless actresses in the pornography industry can understand what I’m talking about. How many have dated men that continue to self gratify though there dating a “porn star?”

Having my wife be the one who touches me means no more adultery with myself. The Apostle of Christ, Paul, said, “Your body is not your own, you were bought with a price, therefore glorify God with your body.” Jesus is pictured as our husband who has paid the bridal price for us. The Church is not to be aroused on it’s own, by itself, by it’s members, but we are to excited by our bride, we are His. And Jesus does not touch himself but is aroused by the love of his bride for Him! He hears the cry’s of his bride in a world that has rejected them. Jesus sympathizes with His bride. He cry’s with us and moves through us. Simply put, Jesus is moved by us. Before Paul was a Christian, we was a hater of the Church. And during his conversion, Jesus said, “why do you persecute me?” Was Paul really persecuting Jesus…well, in a sense no! But in another sense, he was persecuting the Church, who is the bride of Jesus. And Jesus is in His bride. He is one with his bride. He feels what his wife feels. All this said, it makes the point that the relationship between husband and wife in covenant with one another means there are affections that each other are to exclusively have with themselves. Nothing is to get in the way or take the place of the other. I am not to commit adultery with another. And that means committing adultery with me!

We are not to be dead ends of energy expelled, but to be a conduit which love is to flow through to one another! Masturbation is the dead end with all my own energy focused on me. Love is giving of my energy to my beloved. Self-gratification is like the Dead sea, it has an input source but no outflow, where as love is receiving and giving.

Bottom line; It’s time for me to stop touching myself! That is something I can steel away from my wife. This is one way we can usurp the authority of our wife having over our bodies.

She alone is the one who should touch my body in an affectionate way. For some of us men it might mean that you need to stay away from other women, but for some others it means that we need to stay away from ourselves!

It is certainly time for us to stop hearing the rhetoric that masturbation will help you in your sex life because you will know how to tell your partner how you like to be pleased. In getting something at CVS I saw 3 magazines with this idea in them. But what happens if your “partner” can no longer please you the way you want to be pleased? Then what? Is the relationship over? Is the answer to just go back to pleasing yourself?

These magazines are the Newspeak of Ingsoc in today’s world. (See Orwell’s 1984, Newspeak is the institutionalization of falsehood on a systematic basis)

What a shallow view of love we have been taught. I want a better way. Do you?

Strong Willed Women

Posted on October 9, 2014 by RLAdmin

2 Timothy 3:6 says, “…for among them are those who creep into households and capture weak women, burdened with sin and led astray by various passions.

Image result for kendra wilkinson net worth

Recently, I read an article about Kendra Wilkinson (a former playboy bunny, ex-girlfriend of Hugh Hefner, and now wife and mother). She was facing insecurities about her pregnant body and rumors of her cheating husband. When she confessed fear over her husband falling out of love with her because of her fears of what her second pregnancy would do to her body, it made me pause. Didn’t he marry her because he loves her or was it out of lust? That made me think about myself as an overweight woman in our society. Would I be able to get a man to fall in love with me in a fall-in-lust society?

The article link- https://www.yahoo.com/celebrity/blogs/celeb-news/kendra-wilkinson-marriage-status-183220173.html

What does God say about his love for me as his daughter and bride?

Looking at 2nd Timothy gave me an idea. Kendra and I are both weak women who are expecting to gain love when our bodies look a certain way: her gaining her pre-pregnancy body, and me getting down to a normal size. Do we need to have the perfect body so men will stay in lust with us? Hardly, because our bridegroom tells us differently. The Song of Solomon contains love poems between a husband and wife, but also is read as our interaction with Jesus as our bridegroom.

In Song of Solomon 1:15 it reads:

“Behold you are beautiful, my love;

Behold, you are beautiful;

Your eyes are doves.”

In this verse, and throughout the rest of the chapter, we are shown Jesus’ love for us, not lust. He doesn’t expect us to be a size 2 with a flat stomach and revealing clothes. He’s in love with us, making us strong women in him rather than weak women led away by falling in lust.

Megan Grainger a RLM contributer

Be fruitful and multiply (An insight into a greater truth)

Posted on August 21, 2014 by RLAdmin

Be fruitful and multiply (An insight into a greater truth)

Posted on July 24, 2014 by Beau James

Genesis 1:28

God blessed them; and God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth, and subdue it; and rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky and over every living thing that moves on the earth.”

Here the Bible clearly is saying that Adam and Eve are to have sex and bear fruit (have children).

John 15:1-8

“I am the true vine, and My Father is the vinedresser. 2 Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit He takes away;[a] and every branch that bears fruit He prunes, that it may bear more fruit. 3 You are already clean because of the word which I have spoken to you. 4 Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me.

5 “I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing. 6 If anyone does not abide in Me, he is cast out as a branch and is withered; and they gather them and throw them into the fire, and they are burned. 7 If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, you will[b] ask what you desire, and it shall be done for you. 8 By this My Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit; so you will be My disciples.

Here Jesus tells us to bear fruit (acting like Jesus). We can, only because he abides in us. He has entered us through the work of His Spirit, and therefore we can have spiritual offspring (Love, joy, peace, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self control.)

Sex has always been a sign of a greater spiritual reality between the Son of God and His Bride, the Church.

How does this knowledge help us fight against lust?

Sex has been pornified in so many of our lives. We think of it as a secular act instead of a sacred act. When I think of sex in this common, secular way, selfish desires creep in to take over. And why wouldn’t they if sex becomes all about my satisfaction.

For us who have struggled with this it is time to put sex back it’s its proper place. This is just one step in helping us see things rightly in a Biblical way.

Sex was created by God. Through it, there would be great physical offspring. And sex would also help us understand something spiritually.

For those married:

Maybe our intimacy with Christ is not well because we don’t see sex in the correct way either. It’s just a thought to ponder. And again, this is just one way to start clearing up the blurry. The glasses we need to maybe put on is one that helps us see sex as a God glorying creation, and not a function of biology to fulfill our primal instinct to spreed our seed.

There is too much sexual damage in the world. Sex is violence for many. We need a Better Way.

Come, drink from the river of God’s pleasure! Psalm 36:8

Submission – For men who desire to lead

Posted on August 21, 2014 by RLAdmin

Genesis 32:24-31 (ESV) 24 And Jacob was left alone. And a man wrestled with him until the breaking of the day. 25 When the man saw that he did not prevail against Jacob, he touched his hip socket, and Jacob’s hip was put out of joint as he wrestled with him. 26 Then he said, “Let me go, for the day has broken.” But Jacob said, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.” 27 And he said to him, “What is your name?” And he said, “Jacob.” 28 Then he said, “Your name shall no longer be called Jacob, but Israel, for you have striven with God and with men, and have prevailed.” 29 Then Jacob asked him, “Please tell me your name.” But he said, “Why is it that you ask my name?” And there he blessed him. 30 So Jacob called the name of the place Peniel, saying, “For I have seen God face to face, and yet my life has been delivered.” 31 The sun rose upon him as he passed Penuel, limping because of his hip.

This is such a cool story as we see Jacob in a battle of strength against this man who we find out later is the angel of The Lord, a theophany of the preincarnate Christ (V 30), and in this battle Jacob was actually winning. His resistance against the angel was so powerful that the angel “could not prevail against Jacob”. The angel was actually losing the fight so the angel touches Jacobs hip socket and dislocates Jacob’s leg in mid battle in verse 25. I had to ask as I re-read this familiar story how was it that Jacob was winning this battle against the angel? Was he more powerful? Was this an “off day” for the angel? Well God allowed Jacob or rather allowed the angel to hold back strength so that Jacob thought he was prevailing.

God had to make Jacob weak and lame so that he would stop wrestling against God. Interestingly Jacob actually gained power when he lost it or we could say he conquered, when he failed. Now Jacob had to rely on God completely!

What about you this week? Have you been wrestling with God and won? Remember we win – when we lose the battle with God. So we can say The Lord wrestles with us so that we can lose and in that losing we learn to rely totally on Him. As long as we have any strength left our tendency is to keep on fighting. I can remember my older brother Roy and I used to wrestle all the time and he would be pinning me down on the floor until I would say “OK I give” but as long as I could still muster up any strength I would fight with all I had. Roy was older than me and bigger and stronger and sometimes he would let me fight and he would hold off until I thought I finally had him beat and then with a force pin me to the floor exhausted and humiliated realizing that the fight lasted as long as it did only because he allowed it to go on to tire me out.

When our self confidence and all of our resources and strength are sapped we call out “OK God I give!” and that is when we win. Our spiritual journey becomes one of victory as we learn to submit more and more and when we submit we are always led to the cross. In this story with Jacob we see a changed man from the man who had tricked his brother out of a bowl of soup. As Jacob learns to submit here God gives him a new name – Israel, and he is changed from “supplanter” to “he who strives with God”.

Paul would say “my power is perfected in weakness” and “I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong (2 Cor 12:9-10)

Jesus, who was and is always our perfect example shoed us when He could have used His strength, or called a legion of angels He submitted to The Father instead and became obedient to death on the cross.

Remember that He will have His own way in our lives. He may allow you to win the fight for a time but ultimately He will do whatever it takes to put you in a place of submission.

Question 1: Is there anything that you are currently fighting with God over?

Submission is the beginning of our strength in our walk with God. (excerpt from Setting Captives Free)

This is a lost art for men I’m afraid. I too am a man, and also married. So many of us men have heard Ephesians 5:22 quoted, that we fail to read Ephesians 5:21!

Let’s look at the section for a second.

15 See then that you walk circumspectly, not as fools but as wise, 16 redeeming the time, because the days are evil.
17 Therefore do not be unwise, but understand what the will of the Lord is. 18 And do not be drunk with wine, in which is dissipation; but be filled with the Spirit, 19 speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord, 20 giving thanks always for all things to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, 21 submitting to one another in the fear of God.[c]

Marriage—Christ and the Church
22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.

The Apostle and rabbi Paul, tells us the days are evil, and because of that, we need to be wise stewards of our time here on the planet. His admonishment to us is to not waste our time on lame things, like drinking, instead to be filled with the Spirit of God which manifest itself in specific ways in our life, to show those around us Jesus, to make Him real to them. One of those areas is found in vs. 21, “Submitting to one another in the fear of God.”

So in order to not waste my time here, and in proof of walking in the Holy Spirit, I am to submit to one another.

I included vs. 22 for you to see that it begins another section of the chapter. So vs. 21 comes before he mentions wives in vs.22. There’s no getting around it, vs. 21 is for all of us men.

As a will of God, that you submit to one another, let me ask the question; Do you? In the context of Church body life, do you submit to someone? Is submission a joy to you? It should be, it’s the will of the Lord! And how can doing a will of God not be joyful in our Spirit?

You might ask who do you submit too? The passage simply says to one another. It reads as if the early Christian thinkers saw Jesus submission and servant hood as an example to them of how to live amongst one another. They must have taken Jesus word in John 13:16 that says, “Most assuredly, I say to you, a servant is not greater than his master, nor is he who sent greater than he who sent him. If you know these things blessed are you if you do them.” Jesus just got done washing the disciples feet. What a radical act of making himself less than his motley crue of disciples.

There is great humility is submitting to another. Pride is the enemy here and will do all it can to prevent such actions. Men can talk a great game of wanting to follow Christ, yet I find in my own heart that this submission is the barometer of the heart. It is the physicians tool to open me up and really see what is ailing me! Oh, that yucky prideful mind that wants to be the leader! Or does it? The following passage helps us see the link of submissiveness, humility and pride.

1st Peter 5:5 Likewise you younger people, submit yourselves to your elders. Yes, all of you be submissive to one another, and be clothed with humility, for

“God resists the proud,
But gives grace to the humble.”

Another question to men; Do you see your submission as a opportunity to show your wife, kids, Church and future generation of leaders the humility of Christ? Are you a leader? “Yes, you say!” We’ll then, it would be best that you start leading in this area too! How will they know the submission of Christ to the will of the Father, or to his fellow brothers, if you do not yourself practice it yourself as his disciple? Oh, don’t pass up on this beautiful work of glorifying the Savior!

Other ways to show submission within the Church is to follow the admonishments that we find in the following scriptures.

Hebrews 13:17New King James Version (NKJV)
17 Obey those who rule over you, and be submissive, for they watch out for your souls, as those who must give account. Let them do so with joy and not with grief, for that would be unprofitable for you.

1st Thessalonians 5:12-13
12 And we urge you, brethren, to recognize those who labor among you, and are over you in the Lord and admonish you, 13 and to esteem them very highly in love for their work’s sake. Be at peace among yourselves.

God’s value is seen when sinful pride comes against us, to prevent us from showing Christ actions to the world, and we fight against it through this act of love to one another. Submission becomes the joyful battle field to kill my pride.

It’s no doubt God’s will that you have this weapon
To fight sinful desires of pride
By joyful humility to one another
Showing value of our Saviors love and life
To those whom need to see the Christ

Let’s pray and ask the Father to help us not fail in this crucial area of leadership.

A faithful leader is a submissive leader.