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Sweep The Legs!

When I think of football I think of chopping off someone at the knees to bring them down!

Especially when I was a kid playing outdoor tackle football with the neighbors who were bigger then me!  If you can get the legs, then the’ll come down my dad always told me.  And he was right!

Just as without legs a person will fall down in a football game, so there are also legs that we stand in in our life philosophies.  If the legs get taken out, then the top will crumble as well.


Psalm 11:3 If the foundations are destroyed, what can the righteous do?”

We live in a world of ideas, and those ideas shape us, and dare I say, some of those ideas undercut us at the knees to where it becomes easy to fall.  I can’t think of a greater one in our day than the teaching of macro evolution.

Macro evolution, or ape to man evolution, if a fact, destroys not only Christianity, but most religious endeavors.  I grew up being taught evolution.  I am familiar with it.

To believe in the Bible’s truth statements of the creation, the fall, the curse, the catastrophe, the confusing, the cross & the consummation would seem ridiculous if popular historical science today has it right.

Why throw of religious inquiry and substitute it for secular materialism?

“I had motives for not wanting the world to have a meaning; and consequently assumed that it had none, and was able without any difficulty to find satisfying reasons for this assumption. The philosopher who finds no meaning in the world is not concerned exclusively with a problem in pure metaphysics. He is also concerned to prove that there is no valid reason why he personally should not do as he wants to do.
For myself, as no doubt for most of my friends, the philosophy of meaninglessness was essentially an instrument of liberation from a certain system of morality. We objected to the morality because it interfered with our sexual freedom.
― Aldous Huxley, Ends and Means 

Now hear me…Evolution is not the cause of us wanting to watch pornography or commit adultery, but it certainly provides the worldview to continue to do it!  But’s it’s not the only one.  People use religion as well to continue there lifestyles.  To Joseph Smith or Brigham Young (Of Mormon fame), those who practiced monogamy were in the wrong!  So in both worldviews, the evolutionist or the Biblical believer, you can use your worldview to do what you want to do.  So what are we to do?

The true undercutting of faith seems to me to be the life, death and resurrection of Jesus.  Even Paul, the follower of Jesus who wrote most of the New Testament agreed!  In his letter to the Corinthian Church he writes that if Jesus is not raised from the dead then our preaching is useless and we are to pitted above all men!  What did Jesus think about lust, men & women?  What was Jesus worldview and is he a credible person to trust on issues of life & death?

This brings me personally to the choices that I need to make in life.  Is Jesus who he claimed to be?  If so, then we need to think through what we do in light of what he said.  If it seems that there is a focus to undermine the validity of the Bible, and in turn, the life of Jesus.  Well you are right.  The evolutionist and the Mormon both have done just that!  You can either see evidence for the non-existence of Jesus (The Atheist) or you can mis-represent what it is written about Jesus and what he said.  In both circumstance Jesus is not a source of truth.  And that’s what this boils down to; what is truth.  Is it ok to commit adultery?  TO watch pornography?  etc…  What is our source of truth, of right or wrong?

Its our belief system that brings us to think something like pornography or adultery is wrong.  We can change our beliefs anytime.  But we also can be renewed in our mind to see things Jesus way.

To cut out Jesus from history is to sweep the legs, bringing down the Christian worldview on sex, marriage, lust & love.

The following is a great video teaching from one of team members of Stand To Reason Ministries called Shattering The Icons of Evolution.  Enjoy!

Fighting for us! Wisdom

This week at Church we studied Proverbs chapter 9.  This Proverb is about Wisdom.  For those of us that struggle with desires that go astray, wisdom is needed.

Wisdom never sounds as good as porn does it!  Unless you have lived enough life in porn living in secret and shame of heart.  If you have been there, you know wisdom is what is needed.
The picture I see in the Proverb is that God is wanting to beckon us to him with his Wisdom.  It is pictured as an:
Architect
Nutritionist
Provider
And is verse 4, we see an interesting parallel!  “Whoever is simple let him turn in here!”  Now compare that verse with Proverbs 9:15.  What a kick in this Proverb we find competing voices for our time.  One is Wisdom and the other is porn.  Also look at Proverbs 7:7 and you can see that not only does Wisdom call out to us as in chapter 9, but also the porn life calls out too!

Now what is extremely interesting about this Proverb but not taught on is that Solomon was the most wisest man in the world, yet he was the most lustful too.  What does this mean?  

It means certainly that Solomon understood very well that there were competing passions in his life and could  be the same in ours?  He walked the freeway of foolishness and the blessings of God’s wisdom.  Can a person do that?
Both are competing for us all the time.  
Solomon says that God was passionate for him, caring to him, seeking to get his attention and show his His amazing abundance of goods.  Psalm 38:6 “We are abundantly satisfied with the abundance of your house and you give us drink from the river of your pleasures.”  Gods always is showing himself faithful in our life.  Jesus is the fulfillment of this!  Oh, how God loves us and has shown us His Christ who did not live for His own, but became weak for us (2nd Cor 8:9).  God’s wisdom is seen in Jesus.  Jesus calls to us as His Spirit is in us (2nd Timothy 2:13).

Have you ever heard the phrase, “If it don’t work at home, don’t export it?”  We’ll I hate to inform you of this, but the Bible is filled with those that did not live such good lives as we might think, yet they wrote what is in the Bible!  Go figure.  God uses who he wants.

It’s interesting but we usually think of the men that God used as first being Holy don’t we.  Read this passage below:

For the prophecy came not in old time by the will of man: but holy men of God spake as they were moved by the Holy Ghost.  2nd Peter 1:21 KJV

But I find it interesting that the NIV translators decided to express the meaning of the passage this way:

For prophecy never had its origin in the human will, but prophets, though human, spoke from God as they were carried along by the Holy Spirit.  2nd Peter 1:21 NIV


NIV seems to translate the passage in a way that helps us understand that these men where not Holy in the sense of being perfect in character, they were holy by how they were used by God.  God used these guys.  And some were much messier than others;  Solomon being one of them.

Another interesting aspect of this Proverb is that Lustful sex is used by God to show (a picture of)
the negative in human behavior.  This is not the first or the last time the Bible uses sexual language to communicate bad behavior that isn’t necessarily sexual.

When Jerusalem is being taken over by foreign enemies, we read that:
Jerusalem has sinned gravely, therefore she has become vile.  Jerusalem is a lady!  And as you read on, she has shown her body to the enemies to sleep with them, allowing the enemy to feel them up and down!  Radical for sure.  But the context is the destruction of Jerusalem a city.

Solomon seems to do this years before in this Proverb.  Wisdom says come in here so we can draw close, yet so does the harlot as well.  Which will I choose?  What will my behavior be?

Can God use you as a person who sins?  The clear answer is yes.

Yet how do you make the right decisions when it is so difficult in our culture?  The best answer I see from this Proverb is understanding what is competing for your mind, and seek to make choices that would move towards God’s ways.  God’s ways are always better.

“Taste and see that I am good!”  Psalms 34:8

Sex is amazing.  Pornography can be so very exciting. To not admit it is to put my head in the sand to the obvious.  God understands the pull that sex has on us and so he uses it to help show many kinds of bad behaviors.  This battle we have does not move God.  He understands it fully and is ready to give us an alternative.

I don’t try to say over and over, “I hate porn…I hate porn…,” hoping that it will sink in.  Instead I come to God honestly and tell him that there is something about it that I like, yet kill it in me, and replace that secular seed with your pleasure.  God must do it!  If it is not God that changes us, we will become proud and self righteous.  God is concerned about His righteousness, so we shouldn’t compete with Him.

“God will make a way of escape!”  1st Corinthians 10:13.  His wisdom which is seen greatest in Jesus, is it.  Help us Lord to follow your lead and say yes to your invitation to dine with you.

Living Hope

Tonight my non-believing friend said this to me, 
“Always hope.”
It got my thinking of the love passage in scripture,
“Love always hopes, Love keeps no records of wrong, Love endures all things, hopes all things, believes all things…Love never fails. (Capital letter added for emphasis.)
For many of us wives, we have known a love that does fail us and some days it’s hard to hope; its hard to believe again that our husbands could be changed, and believing only lets us down the next time they look at porn or break another promise to us. In many ways it’s easier to not hope…for then we can never be disappointed. 
But I believe God doesn’t call us to put our hope in a human being; surely even the most regenerate heart WILL fail and this is why we need the righteousness of Christ (His perfect life of obedience, credited to me before the Father, despite my sinfulness, therefore making me accepted by God,) to cover us.
But we as wives can “always hope” by putting our trust in the “Living hope,” (see 1 Peter 1:3)
Tonight I was thinking that this “love passage” is not only a call for us (the church) to love others as Christ has loved us, but more importantly a picture of how Christ, our Living Hope, loves me. Take some time to read the full passage in (1 Corinthians 13).


4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Now let’s look at this again in view of Christ…
Love- (a person- our living, resurrected Savior) is patient with me.  His love is not conceited or self seeking, He doesn’t think of Himself but instead thinks of me (insert your name here.)  He is kind to me (despite me having once been His enemy.)  He is not rude to me, despite the nails I hammered through His feet, and He does not turn me away.  He forgives me (despite having every right to resent me); He receives me with open arms and takes me back when I repent. 
He is never happy when I fail, and He rejoices in the truth. His delight is in my victory and joy. 
Love-my Savior bears all things for me, (including a cross and the wrath of the Father.)  He took what I deserved, and gave me what He deserved.  He believes in me,  and sees what I can be (not what I am.) 
He hopes in all circumstances, because He is Living Hope; He, Himself has the power to do something about my life.  He has endured all things on my behalf and His love (for me, and the Father) has never failed.  He has never broken a promise, or lusted after a woman, He is fully worthy of my trust. 
Love-(Jesus)-never-fails.
Notice the tense of that verse: Love never fails- meaning, never has in the past, isn’t failing you now, and won’t fail you in the future.
Do you believe He loves you Beloved?
He does.
Romans 15:13 says:

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

May you abound in hope this week dear sisters. May you believe in the greatness of our great and powerful God.  He has the ability (and desire) to turn the heart of stone to a heart a flesh. 
Will you ask Him to do this work in your life (and the life of your husband)?  Are you willing to believe in His life changing love for you (and your husband?)  Do you have hope?
Please respond with how your feeling and lets “bear one another’s burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ,” together.
Love,

Bethany

Sex and Identity my way!

(post by Beau Ouellette)

With the advent of video sites (i.e. youtube, vimeo etc…) we can watch practically anything we want.  There is no doubt that along with the internet in general, these sites have changed so much of the way we used to do things even just 15 years ago! Now when my daughter needs to get a project done at school, she just goes on youtube to learn more, watch how things are done, and figure it out.  Or I think of how these video sites have changed how I make decisions about taking the car to a mechanic or doing the job myself. If the clip I watch seems too complicated then off to the shop the automobile goes, I won’t mess with it!
But the question rises- have video sites, specifically pornography video sites changed the way young people feel about their sexuality?  Has watching hours and hours of porn set in motion certain, specified sexual cravings that can lead to the way a person sees themselves and their desired partner?
I believe that more than any other time in history pornography is being viewed at massive levels.  Therefore, when I read sociologists, like Professor Mark Regnerus’, material it is bound to continue to be eye opening information (even as every other thing he has written has been).  We all know that the statistics tell us that students from Jr. High to College watch tons of porn.  During educational presentations at local Jr. High schools concerning internet safety, I ask how many have seen pornography on the internet, and all raise their hands (maybe one does not).  

“During church camp we ask our young men the same question, and every kid acknowledges that they have watched porn and struggle with doing so.” (youth leader)

I have been in student ministry for 21 years.  It has only been in the past 8 years (I write this in 2015), that internet porn has become such a hit with students, and only the past couple years that I have seen more and more high schoolers wondering about their sexual identity.  Could this be the result of the kinds of pornography accessible, and so easily?
My own opinion is this:
Today’s pornography sites (video sites) give the watcher access for free to whatever kind of porn they would like to watch.  For those like me who were not raised on internet pornography, most of what is now available seems kind of nasty to me.  However, there are plenty of delicacies to watch that spark what I saw as a child, and they will stir up arousal to what I might consider nasty now. As a young kid, seeing girls in bikinis excited me.  Once in a blue moon I would find a porn mag (playboy) and see a full naked girl!  Wow she was amazing!
Now, can you imagine a 13-year old moving from what we might consider ‘normal’ to watching a video exposing him to male ejaculation, regularly?  Or male on male ejaculation, male orgies, women drinking male fluids, women urinating, and even bestiality! As Professor Robert Jensen from the School of Journalism at the University of Texas at Austin has written and spoken about extensively, the society that allows such sexual behavior to be freely watched by all (especially young minds), has to be questioned a bit. And he does do a good job in his book, Getting Off (Soft Skull Press, 2009).
“Pornography is a mirror of the way this culture hates women and children, which is why it is important that we look at it, honestly.”
Professor Jensen’s writing is really honest and brings to light questions for all of us to think through and act on. 
So the point is evident: young people, not just boys, are watching pornography and through video sites have free access to all kinds of porn.  Because of this, over watched media has an affect on how they engage in sexuality.  To think that viewing pornography from such an early age does not have an affect on one’s thinking is crazy!  Think of it this way- pornography video sites is today’s sex education for many, many young people.  But the scary thing is what are they being taught?
This is why I have always thought that pornography should be regulated better on the internet.  I have written about that elsewhere.  https://runninglight.wordpress.com/2012/03/20/a-response-to-santorums-comments-on-banning-pornography-from-me-a-christian/
Just think of students watching weekly, even daily, all kinds of pornography! Like us all, there are some things that will shock them, and they will turn away, but others will find that arousing, exciting, and adventurous!  Gay porn, straight porn, multiple partners porn, wife swapping porn, mom porn, incest porn etc… it’s all there!  I can only imagine that this form of education gives way to more and more viewers to contemplate what ‘food at the buffet’ they prefer, thus defining what sexuality they are.   It is a question that I ponder, “do today’s vide-sharing pornography sites influence how young people view their own sexuality?”  Pornography viewing is like looking at a person’s heart.  It’s what they like or what they find exciting to them.  And all of us given the time, will find something on these sites that will arouse!

My own thinking is that all humans are lustful, and today’s pornography sites give us a foundation to anchor our lust to.  
But does it also influence what gender a person thinks they are?  Can viewing pornography encourage one to start thinking they want to be a polygamist or a polyandrist?  Could pornography education be the tool to help us figure out if we are bi-, homo-, or hetero-sexual (or the many obscure ones…gerontosexuality etc…)?  Another question I have asked is- has this kind of sexual education paved the way for the culture at large to begin questioning the traditional, husband and wife model of marriage?  As young people learn more and more about fetishes of all kinds, they can begin to think they too desire that for themselves.  The traditional husband and wife does not fit that model.  Does porn education confirm what your sexual identity is, or does it influence us to go into a direction we might have never thought of?  Or both!
In light of my questions, I am not shocked by our current culture with re-defining marriage or the accepting of certain sexual preferences.  But the logical conclusion I come to is that we will also have to question why can’t a young man marry an old man, or one woman marry multiple men at some point.  These are things that the young culture has seen in pornography video sites for years and years now.  It’s not weird at all, it is life, normal, and who is to judge that?  How can you judge someone watching incest porn, when I watch elderly porn, or orgies?  Who are you (figuratively) to judge the type of porn I like?  Could this kind of thinking influence a generation so much, that it as it becomes older sexual traditions are seen as ancient and in need of re-definition? (i.e. marriage)
I don’t know the answers to my own questions, but I certainly am curious to read more on these topics.
From my own eyes and mind, I see there is a lust in us that pornography simply pulls out.  It’s not that this lust in not in us without porn, but if our lust is a dart then porn is just another target for the dart to hit.  The interesting thing to me is that the variety of sexual colors is vast!  And how that influences fully, we shall see.  Young boy wanting to be a girl?  Young girl wanting to be a boy?  Or maybe they can be both, as there is pornography for that too (“shemale”).
Sexuality has become another way for personal self-fulfillment in life.  Sex & idenity my way!  Being raised on these video sites has made way for the possibility of massive sexual experimentation and self indulgence (as if we know what is best for us regarding our sexuality).  What will be the ramifications of this?  
Stay tuned to a culture near you!

Porn: The Cure?

(contributed by Katy Collins)

“Porn, believe it or not, is often a means of coping.”  – Michael Todd Wilson (certified sex therapist and coach for Christian ministry leaders)

In this article written by Mr. Wilson for XXX Church, the last point he makes is to consider that your spouse is hurting, “…otherwise they wouldn’t be doing what they are doing in the first place” (www.xxxchurch.com).  What a powerful truth, but honestly, one that goes ignored I’d say mostly out of an unwillingness or flat-out disbelief in its potential. The website acknowledges that while the more common circumstance is that the husband is found using porn, the opposite can be true as well. If you were to ask me and the other women involved in Running Light Ministries, we would sing a different tune.

Women are just as fallen as men.

This notion that ‘men are visual creatures,’ or that, ‘men always struggle with sexual integrity,’ and that ‘this is just a guy’s issue’ or that somehow we as a culture should sort of just expect this from the male species…this stuff is bogus, if you ask me. Not because these statements aren’t true. I think they probably are. But they’re incomplete. And they deliver a subsequently incomplete and immature view of reality. To be mature and fair, let’s just say, “People are visual creatures, people always struggle with sexual integrity, this is a humanity issue, and we can expect this to be a struggle in our sons’ and daughters’ lives.”

Women are just as fallen as men. Women like a good-looking man too. In fact, I was just watching a romantic movie recently by a well-named maker of these emotionally charged, what-would-it-be-like-if-my-man-was-Hollywood’s-definition-of-perfect, type movies and there was an entire scene dedicated to the guy having his shirt off. The characters even moved from one place to another, spending time in several different locations throughout the duration of the day and he remained topless the whole time. Now doesn’t this example make that, “men are visual creatures” statement a little more evidently incomplete?

Okay, but I’m beating a drum that Running Light has been sounding for years- women struggle just like men. So let’s move on to the quote that began this little blurb. Mr. Wilson’s last point was to consider that your spouse is hurting, or they wouldn’t be engaged in porn or sexual infidelity in the first place. This is often an ignored truth by the offended party, if I could use that term (meaning the ‘offender’ is the user/adulterer/adulteress, while the ‘offended’ is the one hurt by those things).  And this act of ignoring may happen precisely because of the ‘offense’ that has taken up residency in his/her heart.

At least twice in the New Testament, God warns us of the destruction in harboring bitterness, calling it a poison and something that when allowed to take root springs up trouble and defiles us (Acts 8, Hebrews 12). But that bitterness, as comfortable of a friend as it may seem to be (and even righteous, as you consider the atrocities your spouse has been involved in), will destroy you. And from an offender’s point of view- Mr. Wilson’s quote is true.

Both my husband and I would say that we were not involved in what we were involved in because it was the joyful, peaceful, loving, happy, fulfilling, Christ-honoring thing to do. Instead, the actions stemmed from a lack within, the actions stem from pain. I believe we would do well, as a body of Christ, to pursue compassion in understanding that porn-users or adulterers are men and women with empty wells within them. This is not an excuse for the behavior. Sin is sin. But, don’t we aim to be like Jesus as we walk this earth? Then husband, consider that your wife is just fallen and broken and needs the love of God to invade her heart again. And wife, consider that your husband is empty and lonely and needs to be redeemed by the love of His Savior once more.  Isn’t this the very way our God reacts toward us?

Just listen to these truths from the book of Hosea, the book where God compared His people to a harlot-

“…And went after her lovers, but Me she forgot…”

“Therefore, behold I will allure her… I will betroth you to Me forever…”

“For I desire mercy and not sacrifice…”

“O, Israel, you are destroyed, but your help is from Me. I will be your King.”

“I will ransom them from the power of the grave; I will redeem them from death.”

“I will heal their backsliding, I will love them freely.”

Let us pursue the One who promises healing, instead of the emptiness of coping with our pain in our own way. Brother or sister presently caught in the snare of sexual sin, we are here for you. Turn from it, connect with us at Running Light, and move toward freedom. You can, Christ will redeem you, and true joy can be found again.

– The RLM team (guys and girls, alike)

Redeemed- a journal entry

A writing from my journal…
I do know this- I held a yoke of great burden; my sin and accompanying shame nearly crushed me. The weight of it too heavy to bear at times. And I sat there- crumpled, bleeding, covered in the remnants of lust given into, crying, and even dry-heaving from the great shame. Then at times I sat silent as dry bones, eyes gazing into nothing- dead inside………. and there You bought me. 
You went to the Punisher who owned the shackles I was in and you paid for me. The reality of that transaction was like this- 
As I sat out front, hands bound and heart the same, you were taken behind the building and in the alleyway you were beaten, brutalized and punished. Each blow, each rip, each spewing cussing hate-filled slew was supposed to be mine. I was sitting in my shame pit awaiting my punishment. But you were paying for me. 
When they were done they left. You remained, crouched in the alley, barely breathing. The torturers left you to die. And you did …. You did. You crumpled and fell, your blood hit the ground, the dirt and your sweat and tears mingled, but…… you did it for me. 
I sat out front, still desperately lost in despair, unaware of the fare you had paid. . .
Then the wind blew, and the trees whispered and you breathed again. Because you came back to life, because their whipping and beating and punishing didn’t forever hold you down, you had completely paid my debt. 
In truth, my lusts led me into their captivity. My shame and what I owed because of it kept me there. But that very moment that you inhaled again, you set. me. free. I didn’t know it yet, but eternally I had been won back, I had been purchased. 
Redeemed
You stood now without pain, though the scars remained. You brushed off the dust of the alley and you stepped forward. The torturers had been carousing inside, drinking in their win and gloating at still owning me. But you walked by and through a ratty, cloth-covered window they watched as the beaten-one passed by, wounds but no blood. Victorious. 
“He’s alive,” they whispered. And in that they realized the consequence, “She is free…” 
You rounded the building, triumphant, with joy flowing from you. You did it all for me, to have me. I had gone astray, far and away, yet for great joy to have me again at your side of love, you came after me. 
My back was toward you, I didn’t know you had come. Tears happened to be streaming down my cheeks and I silently sobbed remembering, hating myself. 
Your hand was all of a sudden warm and strong on my shoulder. The love it brought nearly seared me- somewhere within me I wondered, ‘How do I receive this when my entire being writhes in self-disgust?’ But the tenderness remained. You didn’t speak. You waited. Your love is patient and gentle. 
I began to trail my finger through the dirt I sat in, contemplating your love offer, but going through the mental gyrations of how you could not possibly be truly offering it. ‘I am damaged goods. I am forever stained’ I argued. Sitting just behind me, with one hand still solidly on my shoulder you showed me the other one. 
Your wrist bore deep marks of having been bound, yourself. Your spirit whispered to mine,  “I have paid for it all. I paid for you. It’s done, dear one.” 
We must’ve sat there still for hours more, my inward self just couldn’t, wouldn’t believe, but eventually your love crept in. Eventually the dirt got cold and hard beneath me and the warmth of your hand and the love you held out to me warmer still.  
Slowly I got it. Slowly I saw it all- you behind the building, you taking every hit, every hate, every bit of my awful fate. You did it. You did do it. You really paid for me. 

Still dirty, not all of a sudden clean, yet more willing to believe you, my hand began to rise. It moved from my lap, across my body to settle on yours upon my shoulder; I gripped your fingers and a new tear fell- 


Redeemed
I didn’t have chains around my wrists and ankles anymore. I hadn’t noticed but the moment you breathed again they disintegrated. They disappeared and my own wounds began to heal. As I began to stand and turn into you my rags fell. The ground was littered with my past shames, dirtiness, ugliness, fears, doubts and ripped soul. Simultaneously, you robed me in the softest, purest, gentlest cloth ever made. This gauzy glowing dress was called righteousness. 

Finally standing, fully facing you, even my feet now glowed with cleanliness and purity. The dirt was far beneath them. My hands were now in yours, our arms bent and between us, our faces only inches apart and you smiled. Without speaking you said to me, “Come away with Me now, My beloved.” 

I am Redeemed.

   (works of art by Kelly O’Neill, http://theartistoflife.com/paintings-with-purpose/)

A young Christian woman’s story of lust- and the way out!

I’ve never had sex.  I’ve managed to wait.  If you know me, you may think I’ve never struggled

with sex.  I’ve never had sex with a man, I’m very modest and shy as well.  God’s blessed me

with holding onto my virginity for the right man, at least physically.  My mind, however, is very

polluted, and it’s not something I’ve told a lot of people, until now.

During high school and early twenties, I didn’t think about sex much and didn’t have the desire

to, really.  The rare times I did masturbated (or self-gratification as I will call it), I didn’t know

the name for it or that is was using God’s temple for my self-gain.  That all changed when I

started to read porn.

In my late teens, I started to read fan-fiction.  These are stories that fans write, using characters

from popular books, TV shows, or other media.  They can range from where the last show or

book ended to people creating new stories using old characters.  In my early twenties, I

stumbled across sexually explicit stories.  I was curious, not having talked about sex in detail

with anyone, so I wanted to learn more.  I learned a lot of detail of sex between men and

women.  From then on, I was hooked.

With the reading came more lustful thoughts about men I found attractive, and many of the

stories I read led to self-gratification on a regular basis.  Much of the self-gratification came

with thoughts of men within the church, the stories I read, or the stories I’d imagine in my

mind.

As time went on the stories became more graphic, as I wanted to know more about sex.  I soon

started reading homosexual and orgy stories, feeding my desire for lust.

Eventually, I found this wasn’t enough to quench my thirst.  I wanted to see what men really

liked naked, I wanted to see what sex looked like to without actually having it.  I held onto my

grip on staying pure (again physically) until I was married.  This desire led me to looking up

pictures, and that curiosity led to watching porn to.

I watched something that I never thought I’d want to see or even like.  I was hooked.  I liked the

fact that I now had a sex drive too.  I couldn’t wait to get married and use this new found desire

with my husband.  I would lust after him too without thinking of putting him first.

Near the end of me watching porn, regular self-gratification wasn’t enough, so I bought

vibrators to ‘help’.  I even bought lube and vibrators on-line so no one would know.

This watching and reading of porn all went on while I was in my early to mid-twenties.  I

watched porn, lusted, and self-gratified, and no one knew about it.  It was my secret sin.  I felt

so much shame over it.  I’d wake up, self-gratify, go to church, and go home to watch or read

porn.  I did it all the while I was saying I was a Christian, but I wasn’t living it.

I felt so alone in my sin too.  I’d hear things at church like, ‘Men if you struggle with porn …’ This

led me to think I was only woman who watched porn.  I was dirty and marked and felt very

much alone.  This was until I heard of an accountability group for women that someone started.

I was so excited to hear this because I knew what I was doing was wrong, I was sinning against

God.  I wanted freedom from this secret I had.

When I went for the first time and told the other women, I was scared.  They’d know of the

awful, shameful things I did.  I found something different than shame.  I found I wasn’t the only

woman who watched porn or self-gratified.  Better yet, I found Jesus loved me the way I was-a

lustful person who was so dirty inside-he loved her.  Soon after joining the group, I was able to

stop watching and reading porn.  I got rid of the vibrators and lube, but the scars of my life

watching porn still remain.

I still lust after men in the church.  I still self-gratify.  But I also have Jesus running after me.

He’s going after my heart, even though I’m filled with lust, even though I think I should act out

of my sexual desires because it’s so freeing, but Jesus is better.

I am a women who deals with lust and porn, but I have a Jesus who loves me.  If you’re a

struggling woman, know that you aren’t alone and Jesus wants you.  He wants all of us as

women.  He wants our hearts and minds and our sex lives.  I’m so glad that I found him.  Who

knows where I would’ve gone if I hadn’t.  He’s brought me out of my bondage, and hasn’t given

up on cleaning out my mind and heart of what remands.  I owe all to him.

For women in Tucson that need a group of like minded ladies that struggle with lust and desire to seek Christ together for help, please visit us!

Women’s accountability group

  • Sex 
  • porn 
  • masturbation 
  • Loneliness 
  • Romance Novels

There is no shame, all ages, married and singles
Read:
https://runninglight.wordpress.com/2012/02/18/not-just-every-mans-battle/

You aren’t alone in your struggle!

2nd and 4th Thursdays, 6:30, at Calvary Christian Fellowship of Tucson, AZ 3875 N. Business Center Dr. 85705

Why does she not want to have sex with me?

I am reminded to Love my wife all the time when reading in the New Testament.  Specifically Ephesians 5:25 and Colossians 3:19.  Such an important reminder for us!

We live in world of hatred against women.

  • An estimated 150 million girls under the age of 18 suffered some form of sexual violence in 2002 alone.
  • Approximately 130 million girls and women in the world have experienced female genital mutilation/cutting,with more than 3 million girls in Africa annually at risk of the practice.
  • In the United States, 83 percent of girls aged 12 to 16 experienced some form of sexual harassment in public schools.
  • One study in Europe found that 60 percent of trafficked women had experienced physical and/or sexual violence before being trafficked, pointing to gender-based violence as a push factor in the trafficking of women.

Sex addiction brings about a selfishness like no other.  Constant self gratifying through masturbation to porn or extra marital sex develops a lust within the marriage bed.  It’s so unfortunate, but true.  For some of us, it has been many many years of constant self gratification to sexual images or people, that truth be told, has made us awful people to be around.  Bottom line is we are selfish children, in constant need of what we crave!

One of the worst manifestations of this ugly behavior is when a man (or woman) is finding freedom from repetitive self gratification through affairs or pornography and thinks that he is in the right, able to through his weight around.  Many times this behavior shows itself by a man thinking he can now lead properly (like he knows everything now that he has some freedom)!

But could it be that as we become free from a habitual behavior that there is a every lingering deeper sin, that continues to erode our hearts?   Lust works in the heart and mind of a man. This sin does not care if you watch pornography or not; commit physical adultery or not!  For it does not need such depraved imagery or action to win it’s war on you.

Do not live in passion of Lust, like the non-believers, who do not know God.  1st Thess 4:5

Therefore, prepare your minds for action, keep sober in spirit, fix your hope completely on the grace to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. 14As obedient children, do not be conformed to the former lusts which were yours in your ignorance,…  1st Peter 1:13-14

Lust thrives within a man.  We get that.

For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, fornication, murders, 22 thefts, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, lewdness, an evil eye, blasphemy, pride, foolishness.23 All these evil things come from within and defile a man.” Mark 7:21-22

Lust fruit is seen in this list, right?
We can become so easily deceived in recovery can’t we!  This shows itself often when we have hurt our spouses do to our sexual immorality and instead of a repentance that leads us to a godly sorrow that shows itself in a humility, we continue to think we have the answers.  “Hey homey why don’t you want to have sex with me?  I was reading in the Scriptures that your body is mine, and I need to have sex now, is that OK please?”  But the answer  comes back, “no, I do not want to.”  And the reason you might ask?  Maybe her heart is broken, sore, bitter, angered, or just numb.
As a man I have to ask something honest in my heart;  Do I care so much about my sexual appetite that I can throw off what my spouse is feeling?  Would I self gratify to her knowing that she is in such a shaky emotional condition? (I say self gratifying because she would not be mentally or emotionally engaged in the sex, but acting more like a prostitute who is waiting for the event to be over.) Have we men become so abased as to think of covenant partners as prostitutes to meet our sexual needs?  Heaven forbid!
Do nothing (sex) through selfish ambition or vain conceit  Phil 2:3
We need not just to be free from pornography or adultery, but we need the greater work of a heart change that only God can do!  So we are to seek it daily before the Lord.
You might say, “well if I don’t have sex with my wife I am going to commit adultery again or watch pornography again!”  And my answer would be to read Galatians 5:22-23….but the fruit of the Spirit is love….patience, kindness….self-control.
Are you long-suffering (patient and long-suffering are words that are interchangeable) with your wife as she is suffering?
You see, in the Torah (1st 5 books of the Bible), in ancient Israel, the consequences for adultery or sexual immorality (un-lawful sexual intercourse…incest, bestiality, homosexuality etc… see Lev 18) would be death!  For to commit these acts it would be a capital crime deserving of the death penalty.  Why?  Because sex is violent.  If you allow un-lawful sexual relations to run rampant in a society, then over time the society would grow corrupt?  Why….because that is the nature of lust!  Lust corrupts love.   Sex is not about me!  It is about honoring God, the creator of it.
Sex laws are need and were need in days of old to restrain the lust of men.
So think of it this way men…are you patient with your wife while she is suffering concerning your adultery or sexual immorality?  You deserve death in the Torah, yet in mercy we have been given life.  Divorce is deserved by many of us, but our wives have put up with us.  Do you now see our position?  In the Law of Moses (Torah) we would not be here anymore.  We would have been convicted of a crime, sentence to see the judge in a court of law, tried, convicted, sentenced, then put to death.
Our spouses would be free to remarry.
So are you patient with your spouse who is hurting inside?  Do you see now how lust still threads the heart within us, preventing our hearts from being free from it’s tight wounded knot?  There is so much more that we need to have done then just stopping the action.  We need the Spirit of God to change our actions, how we talk, touch, speak, and how we have sex.
Are you kind?  Do you snap at your wife when she says she is struggling and is not ready to be intimate with you?  What does it say when we get mad at our spouse for not ‘putting out’ when we have been so horrible to them for years?  We are so rapped up in self that we can’t see the light through a doctor is shining it’s light directly in our eye!  How black our hearts can be!  
Jer 17:9 The heart of man is deceitfully wicked.
Take this to the bank- An double minded man is unstable in all his ways (James 1:8)
Sex should be a place where it is used to fight against the temptations of the outside world (1st Cor 7:5).  But we have to remember, this scripture and desire of the Apostle Paul was not intended to be used as a blunt instrument on a spouse when adultery has been committed!  Again, in Paul’s mind as a bright Jewish teacher would have been that you commit adultery…you die (as in the OT) or divorce (as in the New).   And if we look at 1st Cor 6:9 to the rest of the chapter we see that Paul, there, is talking about those who practice such things that we are talking about here; Adultery, sexual immorality.  In contrast, 1st Cor 7 is for those that struggle with being sexual as a single person, so Paul encourages them to marry and stay intimate with each other. 
But for us who have committed adulterer or sexual immorality, we know that our spouses have been so merciful on us.  God has showed us mercy through their mercy on us.  They have fulfilled the scripture in James 2:13; Mercy triumphs over judgement.
In light of this mercy, should we not have self-control?  Is this not the will of God for our lives?

For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; 4 that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, 5 not in passion of lust, like the Gentiles who do not know God; 1st Thess 4:3-5

We need to learn to posses our own bodies as giving them to God as a living sacrifice (Romans 12:1-2)  
We need to crucify the flesh with it’s passions (Gal 5:24)

Therefore put to death your members which are on the earth: fornication, uncleanness, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. 6 Because of these things the wrath of God is coming upon the sons of disobedience, 7 in which you yourselves once walked when you lived in them.  (Col 3:5-7)

In order to do this the Spirit empowers us with self control.  Ask God daily for this fruit.  Humility will come along with it. No longer will you get mad at your spouse, for you’ll know that she is in pain, and sex no longer will be that important, for you now are learning to love her.  Maybe for the first time ever in your life you are learning this.  But oh, this is the road less traveled, this is the way of Christ, the picking up of our cross and following Him!  We are now becoming the servant of all, not the one needing to be served.  And who does that sound like?
To conclude.  I want to share two mp3’s that you can listen to that I think will help this message sink in your hearts.
We are all learning.  All growing and being transformed into the image of Jesus. This is no small work.  If it seems tough…it is…but remember, what is impossible with man, is possible with God!  He’s that good!

The Christian Myths on Lust? A response.

Sometimes you read a blog that must be responded to.  Below is a link to a blog on The Christian Myths of Lust.  After the linq below, you can read Peter Martin rebuttal of the article.

http://www.thechristianleftblog.org/tcl-blog/christian-myths-lust

1 Peter 1:22 “Since you have purified your souls in obeying the truth through the Spirit in sincere love of the brethren, love one another fervently with a pure heart.”

Recently I read an article entitled “Christian Myths: Lust” which focuses on Matthew 5:28 and how we are to deal with this passage as Christian men. “But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Now there were good things in this article that I would like to mention first. The article does condemn the idea of using the “law” to beat our fleshly sinful nature. There is a thought in the church today that in order to have purity and righteousness with Jesus, we need to focus on the law, meaning a list of things that we can or can’t do in order to gain that righteousness. So in regards to this particular sin of sexual lust, what this mindset would tell me to do in order to deal with this is that I need to force myself to not think about lustful things in my own strength because I know that it is wrong. This mindset is what led Paul to write Romans 7:15 “For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do.”

In this chapter Paul expresses the pain of struggling with controlling his thoughts and his heart that constantly rebel against God, and this chapter is one that I can most definitely relate to in my own struggles. For years I struggled in the darkness of porn addiction, constantly yearning for freedom, not wanting to lust, not wanting to fantasize about or objectify women, but finding that what I willed to do, I couldn’t do, but that which I hated, I was practicing. This mentality of trying to change myself for the sake of God, led only to more failure, deeper addiction, and mind numbing amounts of guilt while walking in the darkness of un-confession. Understanding the law and trying our hardest will never give us freedom from our sin, at best all we will find is a physical abstinence from sin, but in our hearts we will still be thinking our impure thoughts and lusting after our old life; and Paul makes this abundantly clear in Colossians 2:20 “Therefore, if you died with Christ from the basic principles of the world, why as though living in the world, do you subject yourselves to regulations- do not touch, do not taste, do not handle, which all concern things which perish with using- according to the commandments and doctrines of men? These things indeed have an appearance of wisdom in self-imposed religion, false humility and neglect of the body, but are of no value against the indulgence of the flesh.”This is also true of the churches’ attempt to chain lust in the church through rules and regulation. I would also agree with this article, that segregating men and women, sticking to ridiculous dress codes, and constantly fearing affairs between church members is not the way to deal with our flesh.

So while the article does show the failure of our own flesh to set us free, it makes a crucial error in denying the purpose of the law and the power of Christ working in our hearts toward wonderful purity. The primary focus of the article is actually on the idea that, since we can’t fight our lustful desires, we should instead not resist them and eventually that sin will lose it’s negative appeal over us. Unfortunately this logic doesn’t stand up in light of the word of God when it comes to dealing with your flesh, Proverbs 27:20 “Hell and Destruction are never full; so the eyes of man are never satisfied.” The idea that indulging my flesh will make it better simply doesn’t hold water, and it is the same twisted logic that keeps addicts in bondage, always repeating the phrase, “one last time, or one last cigarette, or one last drink… and then I’ll get it out of my system and quit.” Now I do not doubt the sincerity of the author of this article in that him getting rid of the “wrongness appeal” of lust he now doesn’t focus on it as much, but what this hasn’t done is give him a genuine purity of heart. And for someone like me who has been an addict, if I took this mentality I would sink deep into my sin again.

Not to mention the fact that as I read the words that he used about women calling them “sexy”, “hot”, and things like that made me physically cringe because I know my own heart in using words like this. What I learned from growing up in this lustful world that is saturated with porn, is to be selfish toward women and to objectify them and to only enjoy them based on what they could do for me. One argument against the evil of lust that this article uses is that the Greek word for lust that Jesus uses is a word that means to “covet”. I really didn’t understand this argument since I firmly agree with that definition, lust is coveting, or wrongfully and selfishly wanting something that isn’t yours for your own use, after all, love doesn’t seek it’s own, while lust can only seek it’s own. And this is the exact mentality that I lived in for so many years, seeing everyone lustfully, always seeking my own in all my relationships. In all the years I spent lusting after the beauty of women, I never once thought about honoring them, serving them, or bettering them in any way. Even the nice things that I did were only an extension of my own selfishness and desiring a particular response or return of favor from those I was serving. I simply knew that it felt good for me to objectify women and to fantasize about them, I was completely self seeking, not at all like the selfless love that Jesus demonstrates to us. He then also makes the point that it isn’t wrong because God created women beautiful and he is simply admiring this beauty and admiring their intelligence that God gave them as he sees these women and talks to them. Not one porn addict would tell you that he doesn’t see beauty in these women, and even atheists can enjoy the beauty of a woman and enjoy her intelligence in a conversation, but their admiration is manifested in lust and doesn’t bring one ounce of glory to God.

I believe that God did create women to be beautiful, and I would agree with him that the church trying to ignore this beauty or cover it up has led to more harm than good. But there is a balance, like in all things, and that balance is found in Romans 1:24 “Therefore God also gave them up to uncleanness, in lusts of their hearts, to dishonor their bodies among themselves, who exchanged the truth of God for the lie, and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever. Amen.” God’s creation is truly beautiful, but notice the mistake that these people fell into, they saw the beauty of the creation and stopped there and worshiped the creation, instead of seeing this beauty as a sign pointing to a far more beautiful Creator. And understanding the beauty of the creation in a God glorifying way is the path to purity that we as Christians should be on. But this still leaves us with a problem, how do we gain this new purity if not through the law or indulging our flesh?

1 Corinthians 12:31 “And yet I show you a more excellent way….”

This verse is the end of chapter 12 of 1 Corinthians and leads us right into chapter 13 which is all about God’s perfect love. We as Christians need to understand, that there is nothing wrong with the law, Jesus’ statement about lust wasn’t meant to just be ignored, but at the same time it was never intended for us to try to fulfill in our flesh. The purpose of the law is to convict us of sin, in order to show us our own inability to make it to God in our own strength. So in the beginning of the article when the author expresses his frustration with Matthew 5:28 because he had these uncontrollable desires to lust but then was told not to, was actually the intention of this law. Galatians 3:24 “Therefore the law was our tutor to bring us to Christ, that we might be justified by faith.” If we look to the law to set us free than we missed the point, the law shows us all as sinners, and that is what makes Jesus so beautiful to a sinner like me. Jesus fulfilled the law, was tempted in all ways and yet without sin, laid down His perfect life on a cross, and has set me free from the condemnation that the law brings. Now that I am justified by grace, and am now a child of God, by His grace alone, I have freedom from guilt and shame, and I also have the ability to gain freedom by the power of the Holy Spirit working in me. Colossians 1:27 “To them God willed to make known what are the riches of the glory of this mystery among the Gentiles: which is Christ in you, the hope of glory,” My hope as a Christian rests only in the work of Christ in me alone, to do in me what I could never do in myself. Freedom in the Christian life doesn’t happen by saying “I think I can” but instead in knowing that we can’t, but Jesus always can. This is how we can glorify God even in our weakness, freedom from sin comes through humility and surrender, not in strength and willpower.

I am so unbelievably thankful for the purity that God has been giving me these past couple years, daily renewing my mind from all of the garbage that I put in it over the years, and daily training me in how to love out of a pure heart as opposed to lusting out of a corrupt heart. And all praise, honor, and glory goes to Him alone who broke my chains and set me free; you see my freedom didn’t come by me valiantly going out and slaying my flesh, but it came by Jesus washing my feet, and so for that all I can do is honor Him. Now, God is showing me how to love women out of a pure heart, no longer looking at every girl and fantasizing about her, or being nice to girls while secretly thinking about how I could be in a relationship with them if I wanted to. But now I truly see the unbelievable value that my Father has placed on each and every one of them, and I no longer yearn to objectify them with my eyes, but to honor them in purity. But this is a product of God’s perfect love working its way through me, not in me somehow mastering my thoughts. I also want to emphasize though, I don’t always see girls in this purity, I still do daily fight with my flesh in this way. On the days that I can see girls in purity, I don’t let my eyes linger in order to respect these girls and I thank God for the purity that He is giving me; but I certainly don’t fantasize about them and call that respect. And on the days where it is harder for me to not lust, I tend to avert my eyes and I keep in prayer with Jesus taking these thoughts captive unto Him and thanking Him that He enables me to do that. And every day I fight, I know that more and more of my flesh is dying, and the closer I get to Jesus, the more I enjoy Him alone, and the more I see I need to grow, I am certainly not perfect but my joy is in pursuing Christ, Philippians 3:12 “Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me.” I haven’t attained yet, but I will daily press on toward my prize and treasure in Christ, daily seeing how much greater His perfect love is, and how much more joy comes from serving rather than being served. Oh how I pray we would be brothers and sisters in Christ who desire to love one another fervently and with a pure heart, not abstaining out of fear of the law or giving into our lustful natures and saying that we are honoring God, God’s way is so much more beautiful and pleasurable.

Psalm 36:8 “They are abundantly satisfied with the fullness of Your house, and You give them drink from the river of Your pleasures.”

A love problem

The more I go on in life I realize that the number one problem that I have is a lack of love.  This reality speaks to me over and over, and brings me to my knees before God.  Does it you too?

I am blessed to officiate many weddings over my 20yr. pastorate.  During one section of the wedding I will read from 1st Corinthians chapter 13.

Love is patient, love is kind…it does not seek it’s own.

Oh, my heart suffers shipwreck when I read that later part!  “Love does not seek it’s own.”

This is wear my struggle against lustful desires comes to the light!  Porn lust seeks it’s own.  There has never been a time that I have sought porn out for the benefit of others.  Let me put this even more personal;  I never viewed pornography to benefit my family, wife, kids, parents, in laws, or friends.  Every single time it has been a selfish gratification.

There is no doubt that pornography  viewing and it’s self gratification has caused numerous pain, and yet though much attention has become the topic, the market for it continues to grow.  There is always the new generation that has not felt the gravity of it’s destruction plus the industry is incredibly technologically smart as to ways of getting into our homes!

Through cable, satellite, Xbox, Roku, Netflix, Hulu there are levels and ways for us to become tempted to search for more and more hard core material until we once again get back on the internet and search for the real deal.

In order to gain victory over such a vast army, we must learn of the greatness of Love and it’s betterment.  Without seeing love as a treasure, we will succumb to substitutes easily.

Can you see the fruits of the lack of love in your life?  Can it be that maybe you lust others and not love them?

My answers are yes & most certainly it can be that I have traded love for lust.  What a moral loss.

With every relationship that we have love becomes a question doesn’t it?  Do I continue to love them?  When is it ok to not love?

Getting to the root cause of our lust is a beautiful education.  I have not because I have asked not in so many relationships.  Ask for love!  That’s my prayer today.  Dad, I need your love, to love others.  For I know now more than ever that if I do not have his love, then I am left with my own version, which is really no love at all, but a lust to use others for my own prosperity.

In a broad sense this is the porn of love.  This love apart from God is a distorted love, as porn is a distortion of what sexual relationships are supposed to be about.  Whenever I choose lust over love, I have chosen porn.  Porn to me becomes an idiom.  When thinking of the word porn like this, there becomes a vivid, picture in my mind of what choosing lust is like.  And this doesn’t just go with sexual temptation, but every kind.  Eating, working out, sports, studying etc… all things can be done in a loving way or in a porn way.

And thinking this way does another thing as well;  I see all sins as choosing the lessor.  It’s all porn!

So one might be caught viewing porn on the computer, yet one might get caught eating Oreo cookies though there 50+lbs overweight.

Though I do acknowledge that sexual sin has a greater destructive nature in a relationship, I see the principle that lust is committed on both occasions, the porn viewer and the over eater.  Both have a problem with love.

Yet another might not even be into pornography yet is wrapped up is his own religious pride and uses it as a hammer to nail down those who are not so holy.  His religion is simply his self gratification.

Love does not seek it’s own at the expense of others.

The only way to love properly it would seem is to have another to focus on when thinking and relating to others.  And this is what the Bible gives us!  “Whatever you do, do to the glory of God!”  That’s it! I have the instruction of where I need to place my mind when relating to others.  So when I think of my wife, I re-focus on honoring God in how I treat her.  Same with my kids.  I do not do things for them for their sake, but for the honor of God’s sake I relate to them the way I do.  And so on.

For it to be Love there must be a focus, first on God, and His love for us, and then and only then are we able to see people and relate to people in a Biblical, “love does not seek it’s own, way.  I don’t think I could love people correctly (Biblically) if I did not understand love; Could I?

By now I believe we all would say we have a love problem, and the remedy is growing our knowledge of God’s love.  This understanding would help us not to judge wrongly especially in a marriage when both people need desperately to develop a better understanding and implementing of the Love of God.  If this would happen, then mercy would be much more prevalent in marriages.  For without mercy there can be no restoration, no grace.

Another thought is this; Is there a time where we are not to love our spouses, family, kids, etc…?

When can love cease?

I am told God’s loving mercy for me never ceases!  Oh, wow, how blessed I am to hear that!  I need that kind of mercy for sure.  Do you?

The never ending love of God compels me to continue to fight the desires that want to go astray daily!  When I fall, this love moves me to get back up.  It is a love filled with mercy and long-suffering or patience.

For some of you the desires might be fighting porn daily, as I have for a long time.  But over the time of fighting I have found underneath that pornography battle was a greater battle.  It was the battle of whether to love or not.

I am in that fight today, are you?